Tag: England

Guest Post: 7 Reasons You Should Stay In The UK This Summer

Stop right there. Hold up. Before you dive into countless hours trawling the internet for that oversubscribed package holiday in Spain, that Tuscan villa or that Greek island hopping journey you’ve already done a gazillion times, just stop and look around you.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

Now imagine yourself flapping around packing before heading to the airport at death o’clock in the morning to catch some horrendously coloured low-cost airway out of Luton. (Jeez, Luton!).

Not good is it? But the good news is you don’t need to put yourself through this.

Here are 7 reasons why you should stay in the UK this summer.

1. It’s a going be a humdinger summer. It is brass monkeys out there at the moment, make no mistake. The UK is currently in the throes of a second, and even more devastatingly brutal winter. Livestock have been buried under huge snow drifts in Northern Ireland, villages have been smothered up in Cumbria and the Siberian wind is biting at the Eastern Coast like a pack of wild dogs.

But remember March last year? It was scorchio. Then look what happened to summer: it was pish. That’s what happens, you see, in terms of the cyclic nature of the elements. So the fact that March has been, like, the nippiest ever, is a good omen for summer, and God damn it, the British people are due a long, heady summer like those of old. Believe people, believe!

Believe and it will come.

2. Festival season. There is no country in the world that has as rich a tradition as the UK when it comes to rolling around in open fields, slurping and spilling cider, enjoying mass singalongs to clodhopper-sporting bands and indulging in types of mischief you’re probably old enough to know better than to indulge in.

The UK music festival season kicks off in May and rolls through the different corners of the country from the Isle of Wight (Bestival, the Isle of Wight festival), to Dorset (the Larmer Tree Festival, End of the Road), to Suffolk (Latitude), to Kinross-shire (T in the Park) to literally hundreds of others including more niche events meeting the demand-smorgasbord of culture and music lovers across this glorious nation of ours.

There’s bound to be something out there for you, whether your tastes involve Celtic rock, house and techno, folk or skiffle. So roll out that tent from the loft, pack up a cold box with beers and head down to the festival of your choice for a much-needed extended weekend of hedonism.

3. Holiday parks. These massively underrated types of holiday option have also been appropriated by music festivals for their own ends over recent years. Think All Tomorrow’s Parties in Camber Sands. Think chaos.

But Holiday Parks are actually a brilliant option for a family break in the UK which will keep every member of your family or friendship group entertained. With their wide open spaces of lovely greenery, often by the sea, swimming pools stacked with slides and wave pools, ace sports facilities and a slew of cracking entertainment by night, parks like these can really take you by surprise.

All this, too, without having to even try and track them down in a place you don’t really know or have to clumsily ask for in a foreign tongue. Takes the pressure of a little, doesn’t it? And who needs pressure on holidays?

Not me, I tell you. Not me.

4. No planes. This one is dead simple. You stay on this island for your holibobs, you don’t need to faff around at airports or put your life in the hands of someone driving you through the air in some pinned-together plates of tin. OK, so maybe I exaggerate the last point a little but so many people just hate to fly. Imagine how much more relaxing a short car or train journey to your holiday location will be. Sooooo much more relaxing.

Saves you time, stress and effort. Those things are darn important when holidays are involved.

5. Countryside. As Danny Boyle’s game-changing Olympic Opening Ceremony richly demonstrated, the British countryside is kinda awesome. We all probably do not appreciate it as much as we should do. It is really quite a special thing.

The changing landscapes across the country are staggering, from the rolling green hills of Somerset, to the huge skies and wetlands of Norfolk, to the scarlet and purple heather of the North Yorkshire moors, we are inundated with glorious places to explore.

But have you ever really tried it? Really tried to get to know another corner of the country you profess to deeply love? If not, this summer could well be the time.

6. British people. Brits. They’re like you’re family in many ways. In fact, they probably are your family, too, in most cases. But our country can boast huge levels of cultural diversity, something which is probably attributable in no small way to our island status. Brits are famous abroad for their sense of humour and you will find laughter the common currency in the far corners of our island.

On top of this, the fascinating range of local regional identities with their own foibles, accents, foodstuffs and interests is a source of interest to visitors from all the corners of the globe. So why not you too?

7. Quirky festivals and traditions. The diversity of regional identities goes hand in hand with a huge array of quirky regional customs too. Many regions have their own festivals that are unique to that area only. We’re not talking about Summer Isle and The Wickerman here although, that said, there is The Wickerman Festival in July.

No, we’re talking instead about things like ‘Sheep Day’. Yes, that’s right – ‘Sheep Day.’ This happens once a summer in the Yorkshire market town of Skipton when the countryside is brought right into the town. Baaa–rilliant, yes? Ahem.

Alternatively, you could try the annual Scarecrow Festival in Torteval on Guernsey which happens every July, or maybe the Great Wrekin Barrel Race which takes place in Wellington in June. Teams compete to carry barrels of beer to the top of this major Shropshire hill, you can watch AND drink beer. Cool.

There are hundreds of festivals to choose from, they just require research. Do you know what the traditional festival and customs are for your little corner of the country? No? Then go thither and seek them out!

Author Bio: Matthew Pink is a writer who will not be using his passport this year.

April 10, 2013
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Travel By Train

Some people have got a real grudge against train travel. We want to change opinions, so here are seven great reasons to travel by train:

1. Someone Else Is Driving. Which means you don’t have to concentrate on anything (except maybe which stop you need to be getting off). You’re free to let your mind wander, whether it be to what you want to eat for tea or how you can help solve world peace. You could never find the solution to world harmony while you’re watching your speed, checking your mirrors and beeping your horn at the idiot who just cut you up.

2. It’s Like Real Life Facebook. Yes, you can actually meet people. If you’re single, then trains are a fantastic dating opportunity. Meeting your future spouse on a train is admittedly not very glamorous, but there is something infinitely romantic about locking eyes with a perfect stranger across the buffet cart. And it’s not just the train itself – many people have found love on the station platform. As you wait patiently behind the yellow line, remember that a different kind of train could arrive at any moment…

3. Green And Pleasant Land. You get to see more of the country. Rolling hills, beautiful coastline, stunning valleys – railway lines can often take you were other modes of transport simply cannot go. If you’ve opted for cheap train tickets to Birmingham, then the view might not be so aesthetically pleasing. But it’s not all disused warehouses and graffiti-clad walls – there really are some amazing sights to be seen from a train window.

4. Meals On Wheels. Who doesn’t love the refreshment trolley? There is nothing nicer than sitting back and enjoying a delicious cheese ploughman’s sandwich whilst watching the countryside roll by.

5. Cash To Splash. It’s great value for money. You can get a great deal with train tickets, meaning you have more cash to spend on that new pair of jeans/handbag/Xbox game/car/house/pet budgie.

6. Sense Of Direction. You can’t get lost on the way. Forget sat navs telling you to ‘turn around when possible’, forget trying to navigate around unpronounceable places and forget arguing with other people over who was right about that last junction. Trains get you from A to B without ever getting lost.

7. Sans Frisk. You can board a train without having your bottle of water confiscated, being forced to remove your shoes and then being groped by a burly security guard. Should you be particularly attached to any of your possessions, such as a special screwdriver, personalised ice skates or a rare range of party poppers, you can also rest assured that these will not be taken away from you on a train.

February 1, 2012
7 Reasons Fining The French Is The IRB’s Most Idiotic Decision Yet

Over the years I have written many 7 Reasons posts – you may have noticed. None, though, have been written with such ferocious anger as this. Sunday was an odd day for me. Possibly suffering the after effects of Rapture 2.0, I did something I have never done before. I supported the French. I couldn’t help it. They played the better rugby in the World Cup Final. They played all the rugby. But my mind was made up before the kick-off. My made was made up during the Haka. The French advanced on it! I love it when teams do that. So you see, from that moment on, I had to support the French. The thing is, though, I had expected that to be the end. The end of my fanciness for all things French. But it’s not. Because I found myself outraged on hearing the news that the prats – and I don’t use that word lightly – at the IRB had handed France a £2,500 fine. For walking! It is just one of a number of pathetic decisions by the IRB jobsworths, but it’s probably the worst. Here’s why:

1. Hypocrisy. I don’t know if the esteemed members of the IRB have ever watched the Haka, but I have. And, as someone who knows*, let me be the first to tell them it’s not exactly morris-dancing. Lacking as it does the necessary handkerchiefs. I have never studied the Haka in detail, but the common theme running through all variations appears to be murder. The murder of the opposition. That’s naughty. If they want to fine anyone, they should fine the Kiwis for repeated death threats.

2. Respect. The charge levied at the French is that they advanced beyond the halfway line and in doing so not only disobeyed IRB regulations but disrespected the Haka. This is just wrong on so many levels. For a start, I saw an arrow with Thierry Dusautoir at the head. Then his comrades formed a horizontal line next to him. Take from this what you will. Maybe you saw men walking. Or, maybe like me, you saw men walking. Walking is not disrespectful. Especially if, like the French, you all happen to be holding hands at the time. It was just the French saying we accept the challenge. All be it in terrifically camp fashion. It was brilliant.

3. McCaw. Richie has his admirers – Kiwi’s being one** – and his detractors – basically anyone who sees his all too regular infringements. But this isn’t about his on-field play. This is about his post-match interview. On being asked by former Kiwi wicket-keeper, Ian Smith, for his reaction to their victory, McCaw replied, “I’m absolutely shagged…”. Now, if anyone was bringing the game into disrepute, surely it is McCaw by saying this. He is supposed to be setting an example to millions of youngsters around the world. The only thing this will do is encourage youngsters to repeat his words. For a sport in which men readily put their hands up between other men’s legs, this isn’t ideal.

4. Spectacle. I love the Haka. I love all the war cries. I even have my own which I prepare before taking on the shower. What I love even than the Haka, though, are the responses. Maybe it’s the pride in me, maybe it’s the naivety, but I like to think if someone was saying they were going to chop my head off, I’d have the gumption to say ‘not if I get to you first’. As an Englishman I’d love to do a Cockerill. Don’t be immature. Not like that. I mean a Richard Cockerill. He went face to face with Norm Hewitt in ’97. Then there’s the Welsh response in 2008 and the Irish’s Willie Anderson-led response in 1989. It’s just brilliant viewing before the real battle starts. I can only presume the IRB are anti-spectator.

5. Young Man. While the Haka does contain throat-slitting references, no one can deny that it is also inspired by YMCA. Just look at the photo above. Everyone knows that as soon as YMCA filters through to the ear drums it is instinct to walk to to the dance floor. The IRB can’t fine for instinct.

6. Missing The Point. Now the IRB have an extra £2,500 to spend on their golfing day, perhaps they’d like to discuss some of the real issues in the game around the ninth tee. Perhaps they’d like to sort out the inconsistencies in refereeing decisions. Perhaps they’d like to encourage putting the ball in straight at scrum time. Perhaps they’d like to explain how Courtney Lawes got a two-match suspension for ‘kneeing’ Mario Ledesma and yet USA Eagles captain, Todd Clever, got away with a ridiculous off the ball shoulder charge and high tackling against Russia. Or is that just wishful thinking?

7. French Resistance. I have very little left to give. I’m writing a 7 Reasons piece in which I am pretty much defending the French. As anyone who read 7 Reasons To Invade France will know, this is a massive turnaround in my mindset. The IRB have done this. The IRB have made me feel sorry for the French. The IRB are the one’s telling me not to try and sell you a France Invasion t-shirt.*** Helmets.

*Boy Scout Camp Trip. Circa 1993.

**My fiancee being another. I am yet to work out why.

***Nice link work.

October 25, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In The UK

Forget the Costa del Sol, it’s time to embrace Costa del Brighton. For too long, too many people have ignored the UK as a holiday destination. Why they have done so remains a complete mystery, but it’s time for a change. Here are just seven reasons you should ignore those foreign places and keep it British.

1. Active Pursuits. Our changeable and unreliable weather is the butt of many jokes, but let’s be honest, not everyone wants to lounge around on a beach in 30+ degree heat every day. Especially when you have a German eyeing up your sun lounger. All too often, when you go abroad you just end up sitting on the beach or by the pool in an attempt to keep cool. This is fine if doing nothing is what you had in mind, but if you want to be active and explore your surroundings, this can be quite limiting. There’s only so long you can go on a tour of the hotel reception before it gets a bit same-y. So take a look at a UK holiday; you may be surprised at the wealth of activities on offer. You might not have noticed, but we even have one or two beautiful, award winning beaches of our own.

2. Dizzy Heights. If you are one of the many people who don’t like flying, jetting off on a foreign holiday may very well be your idea of hell. Wherever you are in the UK, you are never far from a superb tourist destination. Coastal cottages in the West Country, in the south or in the Scottish Highlands allow you to get away from the stresses of home life without having to travel for hours upon hours.

3. Greenery. Holidaying in the UK is greener. And we don’t mean just the grass: consider your carbon foot print. It is estimated that the vast number of commercial flights each year are pumping 600 million tonnes of carbon dioxide directly into the atmosphere. By around 2020, air travel is expected to be the single biggest contributor to global warming. Basically, what we’re saying is, if you don’t go on holiday in the UK, you are killing your grandchildren.

4. When Is A Bargain A Rip-Off? You may have noticed that, financially speaking, times are hard in the UK at the moment. Air travel can be expensive but you will also need to take into account the exchange rate. It is no good bagging a bargain abroad if you find that everything is so expensive that you can’t go out. You’ll have to stay in your room and watch Sky News all day.

5. All In The Chalet Together. Holidaying here in the UK and spending your hard earned cash in our towns and cities is good for our economy. In 2010, David Cameron suggested that the UK has been drastically underselling itself as a tourist destination. At a conference in London, Mr Cameron urged more Brits to holiday in the UK, emphasising that tourism is “one of the best and fastest ways of generating the jobs we need so badly in this country”. And, just for the sake of political balance, Ed Miliband has just this week said he had a lovely time in Liverpool – bar the power cuts. So there we go. Agreement across the political spectrum.

6. Familiarity Breeds Content. Familiarity can be an important factor for those wishing to stay in the UK. If you enjoy good old English meat and two veg, an English fry up for breakfast, the occasional fish and chip supper or a battered Mars bar, then you can’t go far wrong here.

7. Sprechen Sie The Lingo. Unless you’re going to Glasgow, there will be no need for a phrase book every time you want to buy something or order in a restaurant. So for something truly British, look at one of the many coastal cottages available throughout the UK at Sykes Cottages.

If you usually holiday abroad but you are considering staying the UK for a change or for one of the reasons above, then you may very well find yourself surprised. The UK has so many stunning destinations. With a little research you should be able to find the perfect place and you may very well end up wondering why you’ve been bothering to go abroad every year.

October 2, 2011
7 Reasons To Watch The Rugby World Cup

Here we go then. After four years of waiting England are finally about to bring the Webb Ellis Trophy home again. Don’t worry though, if you are of another nationality, there are still reasons to watch.

1. The Perennials. Yes, I’m talking about New Zealand. Favourites for the fifth tournament in a row and justifiably so. The Kiwis are very good and every other team out there is quite frankly abysmal. Add into the mix that they are also hosts then the odds of 8/13 still seem quite generous. To an uneducated supporter that is. Everyone else knows that New Zealand will not win. They are chokers. Defeated in the 1995 final, the 1999 and 2003 semi-finals and the 2007 quarter-finals. They are the Netherlands of the rugby world. So much natural talent and yet so little mental toughness. The draw has been kind to them this year, they play their nemeses France in the group stage meaning they’ll win that one. A quarter-final against Argentina won’t provide too many difficulties, but then they come up against the Aussies – who, after losing to Ireland in the group stages, knock South Africa out in the quarters. And the Aussies win that one. Because they know how.

2. The Group Of Death. If there is such a thing as the group of death in this World Cup, it’s group D. Neither Wales nor South Africa will find it easy against Samoa or Fiji and while South Africa’s experience should help them through, Wales may be heading home early. Which is obviously a shame because New Zealand is full of sheep.

3. The Minnows. That’s right, I’m talking about Scotland. They should be entertaining to watch. For a neutral anyway. For a Scot there’ll be a dispiriting draw against Romania, two horrendous defeats to Argentina and Georgia and then a two-point win against England. Just because that’s all the Scots care about. And because Hape will be playing for England instead of the suspended Tulagi – who head-butted one touch-judge, two cheerleaders and a supporters coach during the game against Argentina.

4. Sleep Deprivation. The time difference means all of us who fine-tuned the art of staying awake all night followed by a half-arsed day at work during The Ashes, get to do it all over again. The first game between the hosts and Tonga is really just a warm-up. The fun starts on Saturday morning. The first of four games kicks off at 2am. There are no forty-minute lunch breaks to sleep through. No rain-delays to give you an excuse to go to bed. Just rugby, rugby, rugby. But that’s great because being deprived of sleep is wonderful. It puts you in a trance-like state through which you do all the jobs you hate without even realising. It really should be available on the National Health.

5. Commentary. With no Ortis Deley presenting, we have to look to the commentators for tongue-twisters. And, in particular, the unlucky sole who pulled the short straw and will find themselves in Auckland on 25th September commentating on Fiji v Samoa. If you know your Waqaniburotu, Murimurivalu and Koyamaiboles from your Treviranus, Poluleuligaga and Tagicakibaus then I suggest you give ITV a call. You’ll almost certainly be put on stand-by. For the rest of us, this has drinking game written all over it. For every mispronunciation, it’s two fingers. You’ll be wrecked by 6am.

6. The Unexpected. Last year ITV performed quite a coup. They got Francois Pienaar to join their line-up for the Football World Cup. Yes, the rugby legend Francois Pienaar. One assumes this was because the World Cup was being hosted in South Africa. So this begs the question, which Kiwi football star have they lined up to offer expert analysis on the scrum? That’s right, it’s Blackburn defender and current Kiwi captain, Ryan Nelson. I expect.

Blackburn’s Ryan Nelson Will Be In ITV’s Analysis Truck For The Rugby World Cup

7. The Alternative. Well that would be to listen to it. On, wait for it, TalkSport. Yes, that’s right, TalkSport! They have exclusive rights which means no Ian Robertson this year. They do have a decent commentary team with John Taylor and Brian Moore in the ranks, but my problem is that they’ll keep interrupting the matches to tell us that Nick Barmby has rejoined Spurs on a free and some twat from a van-hire company will repeatedly tell they’re the best in Canvey Island. I don’t want to know! Then we’ll probably have Jon Gaunt doing a rugby phone-in with Nick Griffin. It’s not going to be pretty. Watch it on TV instead. Watch it on a real channel. Watch it on… oh… erm… it’s on ITV again.

September 8, 2011
Guest Post: 7 Reasons To Holiday In Bonnie Scotland

Today we welcome back to the 7 Reasons sofa a man who hasn’t plumped up our cushions for quite a while. He’s a man some of you will know as Dr Beat. He’s a man others will know as Percy Jennifer. He’s a man the rest of us know put the ‘best’ into Gillette. That’s right. Ladies and gentleman the waiting is finally over. Back to the sofa, please welcome, Dr Simon Best.

Simon says: It is fast approaching the most popular holidaying month of the year (here in England anyway). Yep, it’s nearly August. Currently there’s a fashion for the ‘staycation’, many people are bored of the Balearics and fed up of Faliraki. For them then, the answer is simple. Go to Scotland. Here are seven reasons you should holiday there, especially if you live in England.

1. It Is Further From France. By sheer accident of geography England is closer to France than Scotland. This is clearly a huge point in Scotland’s favour. Regular readers of 7 reasons will know that the usual occupants of the sofa are no fans of France. One prefers Belgium and the other would prefer an open sewer – however he lives close enough to France that if he fell asleep on the 7 reasons sofa after one too many biscuits and was pushed out to sea he could float there in time for tea, as could most of Kent. This is clearly a danger to be avoided. If you holiday in Scotland you will be further from France.

2. Climate. Now you might raise an eyebrow at this as Scotland is not famed for its glorious weather and high temperatures. When I visited recently I saw sun for about two hours in an entire week, but in when you go on holiday certainty is important. You also need to be efficient in your packing and not take anything you won’t need. The Scottish climate helps no end with this. You can be certain that you won’t need shorts and you will always need a coat or if you wait until September, two coats. It is also always too windy for an umbrella which is a very good thing.

3. Scenery. Scottish scenery is quite simply breathtaking. It has everything you could want in a landscape: coastline, lochs, mountains, rolling lowlands. It is home to some wonderful wildlife: deer, beavers, eagles, wolves, bagpipers, men in kilts. Even in cities beautiful countryside is close at hand – with Arthurs seat in Edinburgh, and Pollock Country Park in Glasgow.

4. Cuisine. Scotland has a reputation as the home of unhealthy food. Chips, deep fried Mars bars, deep fried pizza, deep fried haggis, etc. This, however, is unfair. Firstly they deserve points for culinary innovation. Anyone can do a Heston Blumenthal and make egg and bacon ice cream, but taking a chocolate bar and deciding to fry it coated in a substance commonly used for battering fish requires a rare mind. Secondly, Scotland is also home to some fine produce. Salmon, Loch Fyne oysters, the finest Italian ice cream I’ve tasted outside of Rome. Okay, so you may gain weight, but if you can’t indulge when on holiday then when can you.

5. Money. One of the best things about going abroad on holiday is foreign currency. Getting funny coloured banknotes with odd people on them. It’s a trip highlight in itself. Obviously it does bring with it difficulties. Trying to do conversions in your head and accidentally tipping €50 for example. If you head to Scotland though, you get all the different colours, the different people, the odd foreign symbols, but none of the mathematical problems. Scotland is genius.

6. Midges. Scotland is famed for its midges – especially the West coast where they take over in summer in their millions. They like damp, overcast days, so no wonder they like Scotland in the summer. Visit the West of Scotland in July and you can see a lifetimes worth of midges in under a minute. Midges are horrible, bloodthirsty little creatures – literally. So why am I presenting it as a positive? Well, the main way to protect yourself from getting bitten (aside from walking round inside a net) is to drink lots of whisky and eat lots of marmite. Perfect. If you ever needed an excuse to drink industrial quantities of whisky and eat vast amounts of marmite then holidaying in Scotland is it.

7. Culture. Ever since the Scottish enlightenment (yes, it really did happen and no, it didn’t involve Billy Conolly and Rab C Nesbit), Scottish culture has led the way in Britain. While England was home to the Teletubbies, Scotland gave us the infinitely superior Balamory. When England was producing the Spice Girls, Scotland produced Belle and Sebastian. Look around the world of television, cinema, comedy, music and you see lots of brilliant, talented Scots. And Frankie Boyle.

Scotland also hosts the biggest cultural event anywhere in the United Kingdom: the Edinburgh Festivals (note the plural, there are seven of them). These are a showcase for authors, filmmakers, comedians and musicians. Okay, not all of the performers in Edinburgh are Scottish, but the diversity means that no matter where you’re on holiday from there will be something that reminds you of home. And Frankie Boyle.

July 16, 2011
7 Reasons We Couldn’t Decide On Blowers’ T-Shirt

You’ll know by now, or at least you should, that we are both thoroughly decent English chaps who like cricket. You’ll also know that we like the commentator extraordinaire that is Henry Blofeld. We know that’s a contentious issue. There are some who would readily describe him as ‘bumbling’. We, on the other hand, find his excitement, his love for both cricket and life, his pigeon twitching and his inability to grasp Twitter completely infectious. So much so that we want to go to the cricket wearing a Blowers t-shirt. Sadly, that is currently not possible. There is no Blowers t-shirt in existence. So, we’ve designed one. Well, seven actually. We designed one and Marc wasn’t too keen. So Marc designed one and Jon wasn’t very happy. So in the end we have designed seven and it is up to you, the humble reader, to decide which design goes to mass manufacture. Here are the choices.

1. My Dear Old Thing.

2. Hat, Glasses & Bow Tie.

3. Bus Stop.

4. Silhouette.

5. On Mic.

6. Red Trousers.

7. The Collection.

To vote for your favourite just click on an image. This will take you to Twitter where all you have to do is click ‘Send’. Clever, huh? Or you can vote on our Facebook page. Or, if you are not a Twitter or Facebook person, you can leave a comment below with your choice. There, we think that’s all bases covered. Voting closes at 11:59pm on Saturday 25th June and we’ll announce the winner in Russian Roulette Sunday, on… erm… Sunday. And, if you vote, there’ll be 20% off the t-shirt that goes to print too.

NB: T-shirt colours are subject to change, so just go with which design makes your heart sing.

June 24, 2011
7 Reasons Windowgate Is Baffling

If you’re at all interested in cricket or windows, then you can’t have failed to have noticed that, in a tale that came to be known as Windowgate, a window in the England dressing room got broken by Matt Prior at Lord’s yesterday. This story then snowballed taking many unexpected twists and turns along the way. I was listening as events unfolded. Here are seven reasons that the story is baffling.

1. The Explanation. The ECB’s initial explanation for the incident was that “the glass had been broken after Prior’s gloves ricocheted off a kit bag and knocked the bats, resting on the window pane.” This seemed almost entirely plausible. To the abjectly mad. People who have no concept of the relative mass and density of gloves and bats might also be misled by this statement. I, as an owner of both gloves and bats, however, am not taken in by what we can only call the Magic Glove theory. I can categorically state that in over thirty years of glove ownership, I have never seen one ricochet.

2. The Withdrawal Of The Explanation. By the time the explanation was withdrawn, my speculation had become fevered. So if it wasn’t a Magic Glove, what was it? Was a lone glove-man in the England dressing room hurling gloves at bats from a grassy knoll? Were bats being hurled from book depositories? Were books being hurled from bat depositories? Was there a shadowy third glove-hurler in the showers? Oh, they’ve withdrawn the explanation now. Wait! That makes it seem even more sinister and mysterious.

3. The Explanation For The Withdrawal Of The Explanation. On withdrawing his initial explanation, England spokesman James Avery said that he “had been working from second-hand information”. He failed to mention that not only was the information second-hand, it was also implausible gibberish. After all, second-hand information isn’t intrinsically bad. I didn’t find out about the sinking of the Titanic first-hand, and I’m fairly sure that you didn’t either. I’m confident that it happened though, and in the manner that it was told to me. To blame the implausibility and inaccuracy of a laughably shoddily fabricated account on it being second-hand is preposterous. What he should have done is blame it on an idiot, because there’s definitely one involved there somewhere.

4. The All-New Explanation. The ECB then had another go at explaining the breakage. “Prior had his bat on the ledge where the wall met the window of the dressing room. The bat handle bounced off the wall onto the glass and the glass broke.” Ah, this sounds more plausible (as most things do when there isn’t a magic glove involved). This account of events is far more believable than the first, unless, that is, you’re an exponent of that arcane and little-known (to the ECB) science, physics. Newton’s law states that “to every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction”, and that holds true in this case. In my over thirty years of bat-ownership, I’ve never seen one move of its own accord. I also believe that if England possessed a magic or sentient bat, Straussy would have been using it in the second innings, so we can be certain that this is a conventional cricket bat. This means that for it to have bounced off the wall, there must have been an action to which the bat was reacting. In this case, the only possible explanation is that the England dressing room at Lord’s has a twitching wall; a wall that twitched and caused the bat handle to bounce onto the glass, which then shattered. In the interests of research I googled “Lord’s twitching wall” and found no account of it, which is strange for a cricket ground with such a well-documented history. I smelled a rat.* The second explanation was no better than the first.

5. Just What Are They Trying To Keep From Us? So if neither of those explanations are to be believed, what could possibly have happened in that dressing room that would cause the ECB to go to such lengths to cover it up? Some sort of second Roswell incident? Was Glen Miller in there? The Loch Ness Monster? All the ECB seem to have achieved with their accounts of the incident is to fuel much conjecture, discussion, speculation and publicity.

6. I Have A Theory Of My Own. Some may call it fanciful, some may call it far-fetched, some may call it pie-in-the-sky, but here’s what might – in my mind – have happened. Competitive sportsman Matt Prior, who was, according to an eye-witness, “…cursing and muttering when he walked up the stairs to the pavilion”, furious at being run out, entered the dressing room and angrily hurled his bat to the floor. It then ricocheted off the floor and struck the window, causing it to break. This theory of mine is unsubstantiated, unlike the Twitching Wall theory, which has been endorsed by Andrew Strauss (though he was on the balcony at the time and didn’t see it himself), but it does have some advantages over either of the explanations offered by the ECB: It’s plausible, it’s physically possible, it doesn’t involve a magic glove, it doesn’t involve a twitching wall, and James Avery didn’t say it.

7. The Biggest Mystery Of All. If my theory were, in fact, true, no one would have batted an eyelid at that course of events. No one was badly hurt and Prior apologised and was fined. We would all have put it down to a bit natural frustration and moved on. The ECB seem to have taken what was a very unremarkable incident and have turned it into Windowgate: An epic tale of ineptitude, implausibility, bullshit and chicanery. Quite why they did this is the most baffling thing of all.

*Figuratively.

June 8, 2011
7 Reasons Sepp Blatter Must Go (Now)

Today, Sepp Blatter will be re-elected as FIFA President. That is all kinds of wrong. As this video aptly demonstrates.

June 1, 2011
7 Reasons Seven Different Teams Won The 2011 Cricket World Cup

Well, that’s it. The Cricket World Cup is over for another four years. And what a World Cup it was. Some incredible performances from some incredible teams producing some incredible results. Or, if you were watching from where I was, rather tiresome once it had entered week 23. The good news is, England won! (Along with India.) (And a few others.)

1. India. The history books will show that it was the once fully-haired Mahendra Singh Dhoni who lifted the cup for one of the host nations. Given that they won the final I suppose there is an argument that they should be declared victors in their own right. But if we do that, aren’t we forgetting the other winners?

2. South Africa. They beat India – the winners – in the group stage. Surely if you beat the winners that makes you the winners?

3. England. They beat the winners of the match against the winners. Surely if you beat the winners of the match against the winners that makes you the winners?

4. Ireland. Ironically, the only people who can’t remember Kevin O’Brien’s incredible innings are the Irish. That’s because they were drinking from 9am. So, in case you have forgotten, let me remind you. Ireland beat England. They beat the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners. That makes them the winners then?

5. West Indies. Well, not quite. Because the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners (otherwise known as Ireland) lost to the West Indies. Which makes them the winners.

6. Pakistan. Or at least they would have been if Pakistan had not beaten the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners, in the quarter finals. And that’s exactly what Pakistan did. Unfortunately for them, this doesn’t make Pakistan the winners.

7. New Zealand. That’s because in the group stage they succumbed to lose to the Kiwis. And if you beat the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners, that means you win. Or at least it does here because we only provide seven reasons. Which is rather unfortunate for Sri Lanka given that they beat the winner of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners of the match against the winners. Mind you, they did lose to the winners. So I guess it doesn’t matter very much.

April 4, 2011