7 Reasons Ian Dury’s ‘Reasons To Be Cheerful: Part 3’ Is Unreasonable: Part 3
After months of trying, we have finally reached the third and final part of the lyrical assassination of Ian Dury. If you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2, now would be a good time to start. Otherwise you just won’t feel this post. Know what I’m saying? Right, here’s a really big photo of Ian Dury. Enjoy.
1. A Bit Of Grin And Bear It. Given the rather perverted nature of previous lyrics in this song (I point you in the direction of ‘Fanny Smith and Willie’) I doubt very much that Dury is suggesting you should be happy about the stiff upper lip trait that we Brits display so proudly. I suspect this line is, in fact, advocating the dry humping of a black bear. Which is not something I can find myself either trying or condoning. Even if it does make the bear smile.
2. A Bit Of Come And Share It. No bloody chance! What is Dury supposing one shares? Tea? Biscuits? The 7 Reasons sofa? All are deplorable. Capitalism, that’s what we should be cheerful about. All for one and all for me.
3. Yellow Socks. Debatable. To test this assertion we asked 2,500 people if yellow socks made them cheerful. The results are as follows: One person said, “It depends.” Another commented that the prefer, “green socks with sheep on”. One simply said, “no”. Other responses ranged from, “not even slightly” to, “I’m not sure” and, “what shade of yellow?” Upon answering the query I was left without a reply. 2,494 people failed to respond. So, I think we can safely say that people are not cheered by yellow socks. They are totally apathetic to them.
4. Too Short To Be Haughty. To be condescendingly proud is one of lifes all too irregular joys. Looking down on someone who isn’t worthy enough to lick the cherry-blossom off your boots gives one a sense of upmost superiority and I defy anyway who is not thrilled by such a sensation. As such, being short sucks.
5. Too Nutty To Be Naughty. A Snickers bar quite comfortably dispels this myth. It is both nutty and naughty. But is it ‘too nutty’ you ask? No it’s not. Not once have I ever been allowed a Snickers bar instead of an apple because it contained a level of nuttiness that took it above and beyond the range in which it would readily be described as ‘naughty’ and into a range described as ‘healthy’.* A Snickers, no matter how much nut content is possesses, will always be a naughty snack.
6. Going On 40. Was this a seventies thing? The last time I knew people were dreading turning thirty, not excited awaiting their forties. As for me, I’m still excited about my sixteenth.
7. No Electric Shocks. Everyone needs an electric shock occasionally. Just to remind them they’re alive. And the fuse box is still in working order.
*This is officially the longest sentence ever used in a 7 Reasons post. It is also the most confusing. I am still struggling to work out what I mean and I wrote it. Basically Snickers are great. And Ian Dury was wrong to suggest otherwise. Though he called them Marathon bars.