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7 Reasons The Secret Seven Were Not Very Secretive

Posted on June 23, 2011 in Posts | 0 comments

Now, I know what you are going to say, “Why should I read this? You are blatantly biased towards the Famous Five. This is hardly going to be an objective piece is it?” I must defend myself. While, yes, I did/do prefer the Famous Five to the Secret Seven, I was/am actually an Adventurous Four boy. They found Nazi submarines and stuff. Such a shame they only had two adventures. Oh, I was also a Magic Faraway Tree boy. So please, don’t decide to ignore this post based on the untrue statement that I am biased towards the Famous Five. Right, on with the reasoning. Because this is important. You would have thought the Secret Seven would be secretive, but they weren’t. In fact they were very un-secretive. As I’m about to show.

7 Reasons The Secret Seven Were Not Very Secretive

1.  Peter. The self-proclaimed leader of the society based on the fact that he is the eldest. I’ll stop myself right there. We already know two very important things about him and I haven’t even started yet. He’s the head-honcho. The boss. The queen bee if you like. Now if I wanted to get rid of the Secret Seven I would aim straight for the top. It’s like a game of Russian Roulette. Only I know which chamber is loaded. Goodbye Peter. You’re dead.

2.  Janet. The very first thing Janet said in a Secret Seven book was, “Hello. I’m Janet. Peter’s sister.” Seriously, the milkman could have been anyone. Never, ever give you personal details to the milkman.

3.  Jack. Peter’s best friend and a boy with a memory problem. So much so that he often forgot to wear his Secret Seven badge – yes they had badges telling people that they were in a secret organisation called the Secret Seven – and he had to write down passwords so he could remember them. If he forgot them he wasn’t allowed in the shed. As any bank will tell you, writing your password down is naughty. Naughty people could find the password and do naughty things. Useless boy, Jack.

4.  Pam. I’d be lying if I said I could remember everything about Pam. It has been at least a week since I read A Puzzle For The Secret Seven. However my research tells me that she giggled a lot. Not a great characteristic if you are hiding in the wardrobe of the suspect you are investigating. And that’s what they did most of the time. They hid in wardrobes. Giggling. One could be excused for thinking the Secret Seven was just an excuse to play sardines.

5.  Barbara. Quite frankly I sometimes wondered what the point in Barbara was. Sometimes I suspect that she was invented just so I would find it easier to write a 7 Reasons post. Had it been the Secret Six you would now almost certainly be reading a piece about woks. Thankfully for us all though, Barbara was invented. And for fourteen years she did nothing. But in doing nothing she told us everything. She was the sheep of the Secret Seven. If she knocked on my door asking questions about the mysterious disappearance of next door’s bicycle I would know they’re not taking this crime at all seriously. So I’d keep trying to sell it on eBay.

6.  George. Sadly, not the same female George that made boys look camp in the Famous Five, but George the boy. Now George the boy was once banned from the Secret Seven by his father. No doubt the idea of seven people in a shed munching on ginger nuts brought back the memories of when he found his wife doing something similar. The good news is that George was eventually allowed to rejoin. The bad news is that he was never quite the same. Indeed, he once followed a man with a wooden hatchet. Only he was captured and then forced to leave the society. Again. Pillock. This time on the grounds that if you are trying to be secretive you probably shouldn’t follow someone by dressing up as a Morris dancer and galloping up and down the street announcing, “I’m in the Secret Seven! I’m in the Secret Seven!”

7.  Colin. According to Wikipedia, Colin was a valuable member of the Secret Seven. Apparently because he had a large family and they all lived together. This is as much as I need to know. This is how the Secret Seven has connections to the Mafia. Or a bunch of gypsies. Either way it’s how they get the money to pay for badges. Get to Colin and you stop the funding. Stop the funding and you halt the supply of ginger biscuits. Halt the supply of ginger biscuits and you destroy the motivation to be part of the Secret Seven. Destroy the motivation and the Secret Seven are no more.

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