7 Reasons That 7 Reasons Didn’t Appear Today
7 Reasons is owned and run by two men, Marc Fearns and Jonathan Lee. Outside of the weekends, they tend to – when not co-authoring posts – take it in turns to write for it. Today it was Marc’s turn. Despite being on holiday, he was confident that he could combine a trip to the North-West of England with writing. He was wrong. Here are 7 reasons that 7 Reasons didn’t appear today.
1. Hair. Being away from home exposes you to all sorts of new and exciting things. This morning, in a friend’s bathroom Marc discovered hair moisturiser. He had no idea what it was, and there were no instructions on the carton, but he felt compelled to experiment with it anyway. Even now, many hours later, he is still staring admiringly at his hair in the mirror, enthralled by its lustrous sheen.
2. Beer. Marc has consumed so much beer in the last few days that it has begun to affect his biological makeup. He has now mutated into the solid form of beer, which is bread. Could you type with toast soldiers for fingers? No, of course you couldn’t. Nor can he.
3. Technology. Marc hates Macs. He was staying with a friend who hates PCs. Marc’s friend was writing school reports, and was obliged to use a PC (the report-writing software doesn’t work on a mac). Because of this, Marc had to write his 7 Reasons post using his friend’s MacBook Pro. They were sharing a kitchen table. Unfortunately, the level of agitated technological incomprehension and frankly astonishingly vitriolic invective reached such a vociferous and sustained hubbub that a furious and wrathful god was provoked into smiting them both down. Forensic pathologists, having sifted through the ashes, have determined that the last words they wrote were:
4. The Hash Key. Where the hell is the hash key and why are they hiding it? I’m a grown man, I can be trusted to use the hash key responsibly, it’s not like I can start a war with it or…
And:
Bill Gates. F. Must try harder and why the fuck can’t I disable the trackpad!
4. Tradition. A dog ate 7 Reasons. It’s true, and if you can read this now you’re inside a giant dog. We’re fairly certain that he’s called Rex.
5. Cycling. Marc lives in a reasonably flat city and rides a fixed-gear cycle. Unfortunately, he hasn’t mastered the technique of stopping by locking the back wheel of his bike with his legs yet. With brilliant logic he decided that removing the rear brake from his bicycle would motivate him to learn this technique. He is staying in Bolton, a town riddled with steep inclines. The somewhat pensive-looking cyclist was last seen hurtling down a hill at a speed estimated to be in excess of 350mph. Onlookers reported that, as he overtook two lorries, a bus, three motorcycles, fifteen cars and a coach containing pensioners from Morecambe, he was heard to say, “crikey”. His current whereabouts are unknown and Bolton Police are too busy investigating reports of a meteor strike to search for him.
6. The Nautical Look. Marc was attacked by an angry mob of sailors, or women (he’s not sure which), who took exception to his observation that horizontal stripes were suitable attire for burglars, chavs and Beano characters but should never be worn by decent people: He was cast adrift with no access to writing implements, fruit or espresso. Which is pretty much the standard Bolton visitor experience, but in a boat.
7. Wrongness. It turns out that it has appeared today. Oh well, everyone can be wrong once a week. It’s Jon’s turn again tomorrow.
