7 Reasons Your 3am Phone Call Went Down Badly
1. Romance. I don’t know if you woke Julie up, but I suspect that you probably did. Women are mysterious creatures and, who knows, perhaps your innovative approach to wooing Julie by interrupting her slumber and slurring, “Julie, I miss you Julie” is a piece of revolutionary brilliance which will completely change the way that men conduct their pursuit of women. Or perhaps she won’t be swayed by that. Have you considered a more traditional approach? Flowers seem to go down well. As does being George Clooney. Try those.
2. Focus. Your fundamental argument for reconciling with Julie is flawed, if repeating,”…but why Julie, why?” eighteen times can be considered an argument at all. It will be helped by losing the repetition and irrelevant rambling and by focussing it a bit. I’ve made a cue-card with some bullet-points on it; these appeared to be the main things that you wanted to say.
*But why?
*I miss you.
*JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*Dave. Dave. Dave?
*You’ve taken my shoe.
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3. Virgin. You’re on the wrong mobile network. Virgin Mobile has a multi-hour specific-number-ban system option (catchy) on its network, designed to stop people drunk-dialling in the wee small hours. This is yet another great innovation from Richard Branson, who was frustrated when every time he drunk-dialled his love interest, it went straight to voice-mail.
4. Alcohol. You dropped the phone. Twice. I’m no relationship scientist, but I think that Julie probably doesn’t enjoy it when you do that. I suspect that it hurts her ear. There’s a fine line between being endearingly-tipsy and being a paralytic-nuisance. You may have erred across it during your fifteenth pint of Carling.
5. Bad comparison. You asked, “What’s Dave got that I haven’t?” Well, a nice smile, a fake tan, a knack for not stating policies and popular support among his party, for a start. Unless you were referring to a different Dave, in which case, who knows? Dave definitely has a girlfriend though. She’s called Julie.
6. Texting. You used your phone incorrectly. You could have texted instead. A simple one would suffice: “Julie, I’ve been a fool. Please end it with Dave and take me back. I promise not to sleep with Debbie again, that was a mistake. Kind regards, Very Drunk Man”. That’ll do. Pop it into your phone now, then you can just send it the next time you’ve had a few beers. Julie will be able to enjoy your attention at a time that’s convenient to her (and her solicitor) and you won’t be billed for a half-hour phone call.
7. Audience. Your audience didn’t appreciate you. There’s a time and a place for drunkenly phoning people at 3am, and that time is during the day (when you’re sober) and that place is not-outside-our-bedroom-window, York, England. You left your shoe on our front wall, by the way.
