Month: January 2010

7 Reasons to get your Children a Cat.

1. Cleanliness. Cats are self-cleaning. They fastidiously preen themselves with their Velcro-textured tongues and consequently, unlike dogs, never require bathing. In fact, cats are much cleaner than children and therefore set a good example to them. They also bury their own excrement so you don’t have to worry about that either. If you’re really lucky, they’ll bury it in a neighbour’s garden. This is probably something you shouldn’t teach your children to do.

2. Ninja. Children are loud and noisy; cats are silent and alert. You can use the cat to demonstrate silence and awareness to your children. There is no better stealth training than attempting to sneak up on a cat. Your children will learn to tread carefully and to watch out for the cat’s ever-alert swivelling ears. Who knows, they may eventually become domestic-ninjas. Like me.

3. Exotic. You want a sensible, low-maintenance, low-risk animal, but your children don’t. Children never want sensible pets. They always want something terrifying and dangerous like a tarantula, a piranha or a crocodile. A cat is an ideal compromise. Cats come with a free snake. It’s at the back.

4. Porn-Star-Name. The name of your first pet is the first part of your porn-star-name so your choice of a first pet for your children is important. Tortoises are called things like George and Simon; dogs are called things like Pip and Rover; cats, on the other hand, have cool names like Horatio or Socks. If you need to know how important the right pet is in determining your childrens’ future porn-star-name you should ask my wife, Fred Townsend. Or you could ask my friend whose first pet was a cat, Lucifer Jordan.

5. Independence. Cats come and go as they please through a little hole in the door. They go out to stare at the garden gate and sit under cars for reasons that we don’t understand. The important thing though, is that they do it unaided. Unlike dogs, there’s no endless walking and throwing sticks to distract your children from their homework. Besides, they’ll eventually tire of walking a dog and you’ll end up doing it yourself.

6. Biscuits. Cats don’t have biscuits and chocolate drops, unlike dogs. This means that your children will have less opportunity to play pet food related practical jokes on you or unsuspecting house-guests. They will still substitute salt for sugar and gravy granules for instant coffee, but being served dog biscuits with your cup of tea is one less thing you’ll have to worry about if you get a cat. This is what eating a dog biscuit did to Jennifer Aniston’s face. Poor, poor Jennifer.

7. Respect. Cats are cute and cuddly, soft and furry, content and purry – until angered. When you anger a cat it turns from a docile, supine teddy bear of an animal into a hissing, spitting, furious mass of teeth and claws. Nothing teaches children to respect others like being bitten on the hand or losing an eye. If they survive cat-ownership, they will be equipped for life.

January 11, 2010
Russian Roulette Sunday: 7 Reasons Away Day Postcards

There has been a lot of speculation and rumour surrounding 7 Reasons over the last couple of weeks. Most of it is completely unfounded. Jon wanting to set up a sister site called 7 Raisins, for instance. (He did suggest 1 Week, 1 Reason but he’s still waiting for a reply to that email). Another rumour is that we don’t actually have a life outside of 7 Reasons. Again, this is a complete fabrication. To prove it, we thought we’d show you what we do on our days off. Due to popular demand, these postcards will be available for purchase from the 7 Reasons shop. In June.

January 10, 2010
Guest Post: 8 Reasons that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones.

We’re going wild and breaking out of the format today. This post was brought to our attention by Brad B. Wood of our favourite indie band, Merchandise.

Since this piece was written, society has progressed and become more sophisticated, and we now know that 7 is the correct number of reasons. But, while it doesn’t contain the right number of reasons, we can’t really ask the writer to make any changes as he’s been dead for 220 years. Pick your least favourite reason and forget you saw it.

Today’s guest post comes from author, printer, satirist, political theorist, politician, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, soldier, diplomat, sixth President of the Supreme Executive Council of Pennsylvania, twenty-third Speaker of the Pennsylvania Assembly, United States Minister to France, United States Minister to Sweden and First United States Postmaster General, Benjamin Franklin. We don’t know how he found time to research this, but we’re glad he did.

1. Because as they have more knowledge of the world and their minds are better stored with observations, their conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they supply the diminution of beauty by an arguement of utility. They learn to do 1000 services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing as an old woman who is not a good woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of children, which irregularly produced may be attended with much inconvenience.

4. Because the more experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an intrigue to prevent suspicion. The commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the affair should happen to be known, considerate people might be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly take care of a young man, form his manners by her good counsels, and prevent his ruining his health and fortune among mercenary prostitutes.

5. Because every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fills the muscles appears first in the highest part. The face grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck, the the breast and arms, the lower parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that covering all above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two woman to know an old one from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

6. Because the sin is less. The debauching a virgin may be her ruin, and make her for life unhappy.

7. Because compunction is less. The having made a young girl miserable may give you frequent bitter reflections, none of which can attend making an old woman happy.

8th and lastly. They are so grateful.

January 9, 2010
7 Reasons The World Needs Hoverboards

1. Transport. There are a lot of cars where I live – that’s on Earth. Whenever I am in a car I always end up getting stuck. A journey that should take ten minutes, invariably takes twelve. Half the time I think it would be quicker to walk. The other half I think it would be quicker to hover. On both occasions I am right. Walking, though, tends to be a bit boring and I blister easily. I wouldn’t get blisters hovering though and I certainly wouldn’t get bored. Weaving in and out and over cars. I imagine the adrenaline rush to be something like sky-diving with a handkerchief.

2. Evolution. The bicycle is a great mode of transport, but while it remains popular in it’s current form it has also evolved into a motorbike. Another great mode of transport is the skateboard. Unlike the bicycle though, the skateboard has not evolved. And in my opinion it’s getting left behind. Everything else evolves, it’s time for the skateboard to step up to the plate.

3. My Generation. Apart from being Friday, today is also referred to as the age of the ‘Playstation Generation’ (though other computer video gaming consoles are available). People get fat playing on the Playstation. They also end up with square eyes. The best cure for both these ailments is to get outside. I guarantee Hoverboards would do this. The youngsters of today would switch off their consoles, get on their board and hover about all over the place. Or maybe they’ll just go down to KFC.

4. Literature. If WH Smith lacks one thing on its shelves, it is Hoverboard Monthly. Or the more youth-orientated Pimp My Hoverboard Bitch!

5. No More Snow Chaos. If you look outside today, you will notice that there is snow on the ground. This white stuff is treacherous to walk on or drive over. So the best thing to do is stay in, or, if your journey is unavoidable, get on a hoverboard. And if you fall off, at least you’ll land on something soft.

6. Reputations. There is a great film trilogy called Back To The Future. Well, I say a ‘great trilogy’, the third one was a bit random if you ask me, but that is irrelevant until next week’s 7 Reasons The Third Back To The Future Film Was A Bit Random. What is relevant now though, is that they had hoverboards in BTTF II. In the year 2015. We’re not far off. If we don’t get them soon the credibility of the trilogy is going to plummet.

7. Sport. I think just about every sport out there would be improved by the addition of a hoverboard. Especially if they are remote control hoverboards and controlled by random spectators. It would be a bit like…erm…using a Playstation.

January 8, 2010
7 Reasons to Love The Snow

1. Crime. Snow aids crime detection. Foolish criminals often commit a winter burglary and, when fleeing the scene, leave a handy trail of footprints and tyre-tracks that lead straight to their own homes. The police even catch some of them.

2. Unmask the stupid. It’s easy to discover who the idiots are when it snows. The words essential and necessary are words that are used every winter to describe the sort of car journey you should undertake in snowy conditions. It’s always educational to find out what people, presumably without dictionaries, think that these words mean. Some people think that going to the sales at an out-of-town designer outlet is necessary, some people think that a trip to the cinema is essential, some people think that it’s a good idea to drive out to the countryside to look at the snow. These people make poor decisions behind the wheel too. They can usually be found stuck sideways across the road in a snowdrift causing a large queue of midwives, coastguards, heating engineers and off-licence workers to be stranded. If you want to know if your journey is essential, check here: http://www.ismyjourneyabsolutelynecessary.co.uk/

3. Sledging. The snow proves that we’re better at sledging than the Australians. They’ve never even seen snow. Upon encountering snow most Australians ascertain that it’s wet, very cold and flavourless, and quickly conclude that it’s beer. Australians think that you need a bat and ball to go sledging. Australians are wrong.

4. Japery. You can have a lot of fun in the snow. You can throw snowballs and build a snowman, these activities are fun. Even more fun is building a snowman on the roof of your friend’s car; this is fun and causes annoyance, which is a double win. Even better than that is building a snow penis in your next-door-neighbour’s front garden; this is fun, causes annoyance and great hilarity – not to mention ruddy-faced shouting and gesticulation.

5. Silence. The snow baffles sound, and while there’s snow on the ground, a lot of urban background noise is deadened. There are also fewer cars and people around. When snow has fallen, the world is not just bathed in white powder, it is also bathed in silence – which is something to consider while you’re walking along listening to your iPod or chatting on your mobile.

6. Mystery. When I left the house this morning there was one set of footprints on the front path – mine. When I came back, there were four other sets of footprints on the front path. The only evidence of any visitor was the single letter that the postman had delivered. Who were those extra footprints from? Why was one of them wearing Converse trainers in the snow? What sort of animal has both hooves and claws? Did the man with unfeasibly large shoes with a sensibly-gripped-sole really limp slightly with his left leg? It’s a snow mystery.

7. Beauty. Snow is beautiful; it conceals all eyesores and blemishes leaving everything steeped in an egalitarian white-powdered uniformity. This is great as it makes my horrid front garden, with its weeds and peeling paint, look no worse than the rest of the gardens on my street and, while the snow is here, I can relax and stop worrying that I should do something about it. The only thing that makes my front garden look bad in the snow is the large cock in it. He’s come to complain about the snow-penis I built in his garden. He seems quite cross.

January 7, 2010
7 Reasons 2010 Will Be Great

1. The Winter Olympics. We’re only a few months away from Vancouver 2010 and what an Olympics it is going to be. Great Britain have their most successful games ever after clinching Gold medals in both the male and female snowball fighting events. Unfortunately they lose out to Canada in the final of the gritting competition, but the then Prime Minister Gordon Brown still hails the achievement as “remarkable” and “a terrific reflection of what global warming can do for our country”.

2. David Acorah will attempt to contact Michael Jackson again. In a live event, that is watched by sixteen people, Acorah will accidentally moonwalk off his balcony. Although he doesn’t die in the accident he does land on David Icke. Celebrations all round.

3. Osama Bin Laden is found alive. Rather alarmingly though, he’s found to be living in a quiet hamlet in Shropshire. His whereabouts are only discovered after he sends Barack Obama a message on twitter but forgets to uncheck the ‘show location’ box. A transatlantic battle between Jonathan Ross and David Letterman then ensues as the chat show hosts argue over who should have the first interview. Letterman finally wins after the BBC refuse to let Osama have a free taxi ride home afterwards.

4. England will win the football World Cup. Yes, so it is only thanks to Steven Gerrard’s elaborate dive in the dying seconds – a move which results in the ball flying into the back of the net via his posterior – but no one in Britain cares. Not even the Welsh or the Scottish. Gerrard is soon dubbed Golden Arse and the people of England go on a seven-day spending spree that lifts the country out of the recession. The new Prime Minister, Big Dave C, recommends himself for a knighthood as a result. It’s rejected.

5. Jennifer Aniston changes her tie. Woohoo!

6. Submarine Girl. We’ll have to wait until October for this one, but when it arrives it will dominate our lives. For a couple of hours on a Thursday night you won’t be able to move for the coverage. Basically the news channels are going to pick up on the story that a girl has apparently started heading down the Californian coast in her father’s experimental submarine. Thankfully she has left the periscope up which means the planes overhead can follow her progress and beam back live coverage to show on TVs across the world. After an hour, the submarine eventually becomes grounded on Santa Monica beach. A policeman is first on the scene. He examines the sub. There is no one onboard. Speculation mounts that she may have fallen out of the escape hatch and drowned. Two hours later though and she is found alive. Inside her fathers storm chasing balloon.

7. X-Factor cancelled. The reality show is shown the door after 43 million people sign up to a Facebook group that demands Simon Cowell is replaced in the line-up by the actor Simon Callow. Cowell laments the protest as “stupid” and in an explosive interview with Fern Britton – that brings back memories of Frost/Nixon – he claims, “the only reason my trousers are this bloody high is because unlike the losers in this country I can afford more material.” Cowell is asked to leave the UK immediately by Her Majesty The Queen. ITV bring back Blind Date. With Dale Winton.

January 1, 2010