Girls, you're average. Boys, you're bloody brilliant.

1.  Gerd Muller. German World Cup Winner in 1974. He looked like a girl. 2.  Mario Kempes. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1978. He looked like a girl who didn’t care. She probably had hairy armpits too. 3.  Bruno Conti. Italian World Cup Winner in 1982. He looked like a butch girl and someone had just stolen her skipping rope. 4.  Maradona. Argentine World Cup Winner in 1986. He looked like a petulant girl intrigued by her very first...

1.  You’re A Superhero. This only applies to people called Clark, Peter or Jonathan, but even so. It is fully acceptable to pull red pants over your blue lycra body suit in a phone box, providing you have one of these names and are in some way associated with a newspaper. You could be a journalist, a photographer or pick up a copy of the Evening Standard on the way home each day. 2.  You Need Shelter. Rain. Snow. Hail. Nuclear Bomb. Get...