1.  Pipes.  In the 1950s if you smoked a pipe, you were a stand-up fellow, a good chap, a pillar of society who drove a Morris Cowley and wore a hounds-tooth sports jacket with leather arm-patches.  In the present if you smoke a pipe, you are probably embroiled in a downward spiral of addiction and degradation that will ultimately lead to you living in an alley and offering to fellate strangers in exchange for something called crack...

1.  You’re polite. You always have been. It would have been rude to say no to the guy who asked, “Shall I jump?” 2.  You were drunk. You were saying ‘Yes’ to everything because you thought it was hilarious. It wasn’t and you woke up eight hours later in a bus stop in Croydon. Without your trousers on. 3.  You’re a positive person. An optimist. Saying ‘Yes’ means you won’t have any...

1.  You look like this. 2.  There are two photos of you in existence; one is of you paddling nude, aged two; the second is a blurred and poorly composed picture from your wedding in 1983, you are wearing maroon. 3.  You are a troll who only uses Facebook to anger people in the group I Love Knitting. Your post stating that “Knitting is an inferior pastime for cack-handed simpletons who lack the dexterity and finesse required for the...

1.  It’s a fresh start. It is to the week what New Years Day is to the year. Full of hope, expectation and Great Aunties singing Auld Lang Syne. 2.  Sunday was so quiet without the letterbox flicking open. Now it’s Monday and the post is arriving again. Who knows what will arrive. Unless you are in the UK. In which case everyone knows what will arrive. Sod all. 3.  It’s not a day for work. Monday is spent talking about the...

We will tell you when we have a new post. We will follow you and you can tell us when you have a new post. We are technical incompetents and often send tweets from this account in error.  You wouldn’t want to miss out on such gems as “Just noticed my socks are on the wrong feet.  How embarrassing” or “My wife is singing at the cat again, why doesn’t he run?” would you? You can share your ideas with us and suggest topics or features...

1.  It would give the other managers a chance.  Seriously, he just keeps winning stuff. 2.  We would get to see Manchester United playing in white.  It’s a little known fact that Manchester United’s shirt is actually white, it only appears to be red when bathed in the glow from Fergie’s nose. 3.  He’s won so many matches and titles.  Why can’t he celebrate any better than this? He’s a rubbish...