7 Reasons Not To Make Your Own
Yesterday Marc hit the mother lode and in his excitement urged us all to make our own. Being the type of person that does exactly as Marc says, I set out, full of the joys of a rainy spring, and immersed myself in an afternoon of crafting. The results, unfortunately, were not quite what Marc had advertised. Let’s have a look at what went wrong.
1. The Winning Waistcoat And Sequin-Trimmed Belt. “Want to dress like Charlie Sheen?” Marc asked. “Of course I do!” I replied. It was quite an intricate design and not being a professional needle-worker I felt a prick for a good two hours. However, I got the job done, and proud of my new item I slipped it on and went for a walk around the roughest part of the South East. Kent. The locals were hardly going to mess with someone with Tigerblood were they? Well, yes. Yes, they were. It was said that this product was “so fabulous people would literally point at you.”. Erm, no. I got a lot of middle fingers pointing skywards and the one person who I thought was pointing at me was actually punching me in the face. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.
2. The Tie Hanger. “A stylish and practical gift for Father’s Day?” Yes, please! The Austin Reed vouchers are wearing rather thin on originality these days so I am always happy to receive new ideas. The tie hanger seemed right up my street. My Dad likes ties. And it was this ‘like’ that caused disaster. Call me stupid but I thought this tie hanger was for all my father’s ties. As a result I attached the hanger to the wall and then added the 216 ties to it. Then the wall fell down. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.
3. The Wig Stand. I don’t know any bald men. I know even fewer bald women. So when I was crafting this stand the one thought that kept crossing my mind was, “who on earth am I going to give this to?” And then, just as I was adding the pink eyebrows, it struck me. Yes! I met a bald bloke on Saturday night! At Andy’s 30th Chimenea Party! I couldn’t remember his name, but we had talked about rugby and I remembered he said he was a prop forward for Aylesford. So yesterday evening I got on my skateboard and headed down to the club. I suspect I’ll be walking with this limp for quite a while. I shall of course update you when I have managed to remove the other pink eyebrow. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.
4. The Gift Ribbon Flowers. A genius idea. I am ashamed to admit that I haven’t bought Claire flowers for a good few months now.* However, I lacked one necessary ingredient to make the gift ribbon flowers. Ribbon. Long gone are the days when I had a ribbon printer. “What can I cut up into ribbon-like strips?” I wondered as I stood in front of Claire’s wardrobe. Two hours, one trip to Zara and the best part of £80 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.
5. The Trendy Ties. “Is your wardrobe a little drab?” Yes! One hour, one trip to Reiss and the best part of £150 later, I replaced the garment I had hacked to pieces in Claire’s wardrobe. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution.
6. Tat. Now, this confused me. Despite reading the instructions and staring at the accompanying visual for thirty minutes, I was still none the wiser. While I understood I was supposed to ‘learn to tat’, I had no idea what tatting was. Quite frankly it may as well have said ‘learn to wickytrickyjicky’. Eventually I just tied a bit of string around my finger and gave myself a pat on the back. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: caution (bloody pointless).
7. The Bearded Puppets. I don’t have any children, but given that I often have nightmares about shaved lambs and Judy Murray, anything was worth a try to change the routine. So I made them. Two bearded puppets. Last night’s dream? Judy Murray with a beard. Riding a disembodied lamb’s head. Thanks Marc. I give this product a 7 Reasons rating of: extreme caution.
*Reminder. Now you’ve finished writing this, go and buy Claire some flowers.**
**I can’t now, I’ve got work to do.***
***Okay, do it tomorrow.****