7 Reasons To Take Your Own Chimenea To The Pub
It’s the post you have been waiting for since Monday! In many respects it is fate that this is being written today, for today is Andy’s 30th birthday. Now, Andy, for those of you who don’t know, got a chimenea for his birthday. I know this because I carried it to the pub on Saturday night. (That’s when he had his party). So, this post is partly inspired by my experiences of carrying a chimenea to a pub and partly inspired by the ’7 Reasons To Take A Chimenea To The Pub’ conversation Andy and I had later that evening.
1. Fitness. Chimeneas are not overly heavy. The one Andy now owns is 21kg. However, they weren’t really designed to be carried for a prolonged period of time. I had to carry the chimenea about 500m. The only thing you can compare this feat to is the Atlas Stones in the World’s Strongest Man. While they have to lift a stone of 100kg, they only have to carry it about five metres. Five metres! That’s pathetic. No wonder these ‘Strongest Men’ are so fat. Start carrying a chimenea to the pub every Saturday and you will soon become a lean mean fighting machine.
2. Games. Sometimes pub-based conversation can get a little stale and with the pool table and dart board in use, a period of uncomfortable silence is just around the corner. But not if you have your chimenea with you. If you’ve been unlucky enough in the past year you may have caught the TV show, Hole In The Wall. Basically you have to manoeuvre your body into positions so that you fit through a hole. It’s not great and I advise you to avoid it. Especially if you are in the pub with your chimenea. In this situation a much better game is Chimenea Through The Gap. Level one, which involves trying to get the bloody thing through the pub door, will prove too much for many. Had it not been Andy’s 30th I would probably left it in the road and told him to go and fetch it.
3. Apologies. It’s always something that’s confused me. Non-smokers are forever apologising to smokers. “Got a light mate?” they say. “No, sorry,” you reply. If you have a chimenea with you though the conversation will go very differently. “Got a light mate?” they say. “Have I got a light? Are you blind? I’ve got my own bloody chimenea! Of course I’ve got a light,” you reply. “Oh, sorry,” they respond. Smokers apologising to non-smokers. That’s the way it should be.
4. Present. It’s happened to all of us. We’ve gone to the pub and realised that it’s our friend’s birthday. Today! You haven’t got them a present or a card. What do you do? You can’t really buy them salted peanuts all night. They’ll get suspicious. There’s only one solution. Give them your chimenea. They’ll be delighted. “Wow! I’m delighted!” they say. See, told you they’d be delighted. “The one you gave me last year is still going strong, but you can never have too many can you!”
5. Excuse. Maybe you have a partner who doesn’t like you going to the pub all the time. Maybe you get home one night and they are there; standing in the hall; arms crossed; brow furrowed. “Been in the pub again have you?” they ask tersely. “Nope,” you reply. “I haven’t been in a pub for weeks.” And you aren’t lying. Ever since you bought that chimenea you have sat outside the pub keeping warm while sending your mates in to get the drinks.
6. Witches. I’m not the biggest Halloween fan. If I wanted to see four witches cackling I could watch Loose Women. The good thing about having a chimenea on your person on October 31st is that you can burn every single witch that enters the pub that night.
7. Earn While You Burn. Occasionally the work experience boy will flick a switch in the local power station and the pub will go into complete darkness. Well, nearly. The light that is available is coming from your chimenea. It’s also the only source of heat. Which is when you whip out the sausages and start selling hot dogs to all and sundry. If it looks like the flames are about to die, just stick a chair leg in there. No one will notice. It’s dark.