7 Reasons It Was Inconvenient That The World Didn’t End On Saturday
Hello 7 Reasons readers! It’s Monday 23rd of May, which can only mean one thing. That the world didn’t end at 6pm on Saturday. Obviously this has affected our plans somewhat as we didn’t prepare a piece for today just on the off-chance that we would be wasting our time. This, it turns out, was an error. Anyway, somewhat belatedly, it’s time to begin the 7 Reasons working week.
Now, it would be easy to mock the poor, deluded fools who told us that the world was going to end on Saturday, so let’s do that. Here are seven reasons that it was inconvenient that the world didn’t end at six pm on Saturday.
1. Marc Fearns. “It’s Monday morning and I’m in my dining room writing. I hadn’t planned to be doing this at all. I was expecting to be hanging out by Piers Morgan’s fiery lake watching Glee while French people force-fed me raw sprouts and read the Daily Mail to me. I was expecting to be wearing Crocs and an I’m With Stupid t-shirt. I was expecting to be spending time with my brother. The rest of time. This is a right inconvenience.”
2. Robert Fitzpatrick. Robert Fitzpatrick was also inconvenienced. He’s currently a little bewildered. Asked how he felt about events (or the lack thereof) he said, “Obviously, I haven’t understood it correctly because we’re still here”.
3. Keith Bauer. Mr Bauer travelled from Maryland to California for the rapture. As a demonstration of total conviction in Mr Camping’s prediction, he took a week off work for the end of the world. Not just a few days, but a whole week, mark you. After all, it was for the end of the world. You can’t pack that into a couple of days or a long weekend. That’s a week he’ll never get back.
4. Gary Vollmer. “Judgment day has come and passed, but it was a spiritual judgment on the world”. Ah, a spiritual judgement. So it did happen then, just not in the way that it was predicted to. Not in a way that was in any sense tangible or demonstrable. Not in a way that anyone could remotely tell whether it had happened or not, except for Gary. There has been a judgement but only Gary knows about it. This is not Gary refusing to admit that he was wrong at all. No one called Gary is ever wrong and especially not this Gary who is especially not wrong about the end of the world. NOT WRONG. No.
5. Harold Camping. Harold Camping, the man that made the prediction in the first place, has not been seen since the end of the world and has “no intention to speak or issue any statement” according to a spokesman. How he communicated this to the spokesman is unclear. I prefer to imagine that it was via the medium of mime or that it took the form of an interpretative dance. Perhaps he iced it on a cake or banged it in Morse code on the desk with his forehead. We may never know. According to his wife he is “mystified” and “somewhat bewildered” at the world’s failure to end.
6. Harold Camping. And this isn’t the first time that this has happened to poor Harold. The blasted world failed to end in 1994 for him too. That’s an easy mistake to make once, but when the world doesn’t end and 97% of its occupants aren’t eternally damned for a second time, you might start to feel a tiny bit foolish. Oh well, cheer up Harold, third time lucky.
7. Everyone Else. So the world hasn’t ended and another working week has begun. There’s no chance of getting out of painting that spare bedroom, your next dental appointment or paying the gas bill. We’re also going to have to carry on with all the joy, love, bliss, wonder, gratification and whatnot that characterises our human existence on this beautiful earth. What an infernal nuisance.