7 Reasons To Let A Bull Loose In The City
Those of you who watch the news may well have seen that a bull ran amok in the Brazilian town of Sao Jose do Rio Preto last Friday. Eventually it got stuck in a clothes shop and was recaptured by a man with a bit of rope. While on this occasion the bull caused damage and forced a shop worker to hide in a toilet, a bull loose in the city isn’t always a bad thing. In fact it could be very effective. Here’s why:
1. Slow People. It staggers me the amount of people who walk around at a snails pace. Are these people so out of touch that they don’t know there is a massive Facebook campaign encouraging slow moving people to be punched in the back of the head? Obviously, no one has done this as it would be seen as GBH. Letting a bull loose in the city though is a highly legitimate method of making these people get a shift on.
2. Cheap Demolition. There are always areas of cities that could do with a lick of paint. And there are areas of cities – or, in the case of Bradford, whole cities – that should just be knocked down so something vaguely attractive can be built instead. Bringing in a demolition team is expensive. Bringing in a bull is cheap. And, given the fact that it won’t stop for tea every five minutes, a damn sight quicker.
3. China. Tired of idioms that may or may not be factually accurate? I know I am. I am particularly tired of the idiom, ‘he’s like a bull in a china shop’. I have never seen a bull in a china shop. Are we absolutely sure he is going to cause carnage as opposed, to say, purchasing a tea set? Does a bull even like china shops? Letting a bull loose in the city will confirm or destroy this idiom forever.
4. Muppets. From idioms to idiots. This might be news to you as much as it was to me yesterday when I was doing my 7 Reasons research. Each year in the Spanish city of Pamplona, as part of the San Fermin festival, bulls are let free to run through the city. And if you don’t think that’s odd, wait until I tell you that men try and out run them. Men try and out run them. Exactly, ridiculous. Take a look at this:
So, I propose that by letting a handful of bulls loose in the city the idiots among us will be routed out. These people are more dangerous than the bulls.
5. Curfew. Last week I went to a pub where I saw a man with an ankle tag. Apart from immediately knowing I was in the wrong pub, I questioned whether he should be at home in bed. It was gone 7pm after all. The response he gave me wasn’t one I can share with you, but let’s just say he didn’t leave right then and there. It would have been different if I had been a bull. Or I had a bull with me. Or, even better, I wasn’t there at all but the bull was. A bull would police curfews without any issues whatsoever. In this case the Police would turn up, question as to why this man used a bull to remove his ankle tag and send him back to prison. The place where he should have been all along. His reckless snapping of my skateboard was bang out of order.
6. Chuggers. I want them gone. The lot of them.
7. Advertising. I am a little bit surprised they haven’t thought of this already, but this is probably the greatest idea Red Bull have never had. The Red Bull Lottery. This is how it works. Forty-nine bulls are spray-painted in the Red Bull colours and then each given a number. They are dropped off on one side of the city and encouraged to rampage to a big net on the other. The first six Red Bulls that reach the net form the Red Bull Lottery numbers. The winner of the lottery will be given the other forty-three bulls. Once he/she has found them. Genius.