7 Reasons That 7 Reasons Almost Didn’t Appear Today
Hello, it’s Monday, Marc here. There was confusion and something got lost in the confusion and other things didn’t happen and the confusion prevailed – and the confusion was all mine, by the way – and it was all my fault. Here are seven reasons that normal service was interrupted by the confusion today.
1. I Forgot. I just forgot. I was awoken by screaming at 5am and I remember thinking two things: Firstly, “Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssseeeee, shut the fuck up!” and secondly, “I definitely posted yesterday, it’s not my turn, I can go back to sleep if my (extraordinarily loud) child shuts up”. I was mistaken. There was no way that anyone was going back to sleep and it was my turn, though I was too sleep-deprived/terrorised by a tiny person to realise that.
2. I Got Distracted. Happy – in my own mind – that I had a day off, I dressed my son in traditional baby garb; a top with ships on it, blue bellbottoms, socks with anchors on them and a sailor’s hat. I outfitted myself in a checked shirt, boots and jeans (essentially, we looked like a sailor and a lumberjack) then, ten minutes later, he peed everywhere and we both had to get changed (not to a builder, a cop or an Indian), but to a less flashily dressed baby and a now slightly nautical – and still a tiny bit damp – grown up.
3. I Relaxed. I just sat about in the sun – it only appears very rarely in Yorkshire (so rarely that we point at it) and soaked up its rays. Not only was it an unusual experience, it also dried the urine-soaked shirt that I was wearing quite effectively, without too much of a smell. At that moment that seemed like something of a victory. It’s nice to be dry.
4. The Health Visitor Came. And she is lovely. So lovely in fact that she complemented our son something rotten on his development and gave us such helpful advice that we invited her back in a fortnight to discuss my son’s belly button. My wife and I actually got distracted by talk of the belly button. I am sorry. Please pity us for what I have become, we used to be interesting people. We could, however, have discussed the belly button all afternoon. Really! Perhaps we did. Well, at least for a couple of hours.
5. Eventually Our Health Visitor Escaped Talk Of The Belly Button. I still had no inkling that it was my day to write and, in the afternoon, we strolled into town en famile. We went to the Chinese supermarket. Well, for me it was a trip to the Chinese supermarket to pick up noodles and sauces and things; for my wife it was a trip to the aquarium, to see the fishes and the lobsters. Fortunately both are housed within the same establishment, so we both had a good time. So did our son, though we don’t know which aspect he preferred yet. Time will tell.
6. Then I Went To The Pub. It wasn’t bath night and, as I still can’t feed our child much, I wandered off and spent a lovely evening in the local with some friends. It was great. Free from the responsibility of parenthood and reasonerhood I just forgot myself and had a great time. I was even awake for most of it, which makes a nice change from my state at home at the moment.
7. Then I Arrived Home. I thought I’d check on how things had gone today, 7 Reasons-wise: I soon found that there wasn’t a post; I checked the archive; I counted stuff on fingers and toes, and suddenly – with horror – I realised that it was my turn. I can only apologise. I mistakenly thought it wasn’t my turn and that I could somnambulate nonchalantly through my day. I was wrong, it was, and I can only apologise dear readers.*
*7 Reasons will return tomorrow, with the competent one at the helm. Sorry.