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Guest Post: 7 (+1) Reasons An Onion Doesn’t Make A Good House Pet

Posted on April 9, 2011 in Guest Posts | 0 comments

In keeping with our traditions as a a self-help guide we are delighted to welcome Paisley Downing to the 7 Reasons sofa. For those of you wondering who Paisley is, let me tell you. Paisley enjoys writing comical articles about pets, politics, and cyber culture. She currently writes for Allied Satellite TV. It’ll come as no surprise to you then that today’s post is concerned with that troublesome matter of selecting a pet. Here’s Paisley (after the photo of an onion):

7 Reasons An Onion Doesn’t Make A Good House Pet

Selecting the right pet for your home can be a daunting process and, with so many choices, beginning with which pet not to choose could save you time and stress. Today, we’ll look at seven really good reasons you don’t want an onion for a house pet.

1.  An Onion Reeks. An onion will necessarily have a powerful smell after peeling or slicing. While this makes it excellent at what it does, it contributes little to the family aspiring to adopt a new friend. An onion simply can’t stay wrapped in its comfy little peel forever. Sooner or later, the onion will have to come out. By then, the only options left include lighting a candle to ward off the fumes, or submerging the onion in iced water. Neither option is conducive to cuddling on the couch.

2.  Too Many Layers. Of all the vegetables one could select as a family pet, the onion is known to be most complicated. Just when you think you’ve developed an easy rapport, whammo! Another shocking, perhaps even disturbing surprise from your thin skinned friend. The onion is simply beyond our comprehension, in a number of ways — and by the time many onion owners discover what that number is, the damage to the relationship has been done and there is no going back.

3.  Fragility. Onions are not the hardiest of vegetables. Even when stored in optimal conditions, the best of the lot can quickly go bad, transforming your sleek-sheathed bulb baby into a furry friend. While it is true that the variety used for cooking can be stored for much longer periods of time at room temperature — as opposed to sweet onions that require refrigeration — even these are overly sensitive about being left alone, and prefer the company of other onions to yours.

3.  Cost. Many people are initially attracted by the affordability of onions, but they fail to see the Big Picture; onions can cost pet owners more than they might believe in terms of personal relationships and health care. How many times has a young man let an onion come between him and that special girl? Or a guy come home from a tough day on the job, only to face the perils of indigestion after a too-close encounter with an onion during his lunch break?

4.  Disloyalty. Unlike broccoli, the onion is likely to be disloyal to its owners should a more exciting person come along. Onions tend to wander off with anyone who will give them a moment’s attention, and if you disappeared never to be seen or heard from again, the onion would not care so long as someone else was there to feed, bathe, and play with it.

5.  Jealousy. Let’s face it: onions need lots of attention and can be quite jealous. They’re jealous of you, your children, your pets, and your life. Even the most affectionate onion will eventually disappoint you with passive-aggression tactics such as rolling around in your pillowcase when you aren’t looking, leaving a slime trail on the bathroom floor for you to slip on, or throwing out your mail before you’ve had a chance to read it. If you decide to go onion, be prepared to coddle a delicate, high-maintenance temperament.

6.  High Energy Levels. Unless you’re very young and active as a matter of course, you will likely find the onion’s energy levels to be too high. An onion is constantly on the move and loves chasing and being chased. This is not a pet for a person who expects a nice, quiet creature to nod hello to in the mornings and evenings and not have to deal with during the day.

7.  They Hate Family Photos. Onions are notorious for their purposeful avoidance of the camera during family get-togethers. In fact, they are known to go so far out of their way to escape picture time that there have been reports of onions rolling away into the wilderness at high rates of speed, where they are unfortunately lost or preyed upon by wild animals. What better way to ruin a family reunion than the needless tragedy of losing a beloved pet in the chaos?

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