7 Reasons Potatoes Are The Answer To Anger Management Issues
One evening last week I went to bed. This isn’t news, but what happened next is. My fiancée and I started talking about potatoes. Now, I don’t want you thinking this is natural bedroom behaviour for us, in fact, I can assure you we have never spoken of potatoes – or indeed potato based products – in bed before. And we probably never will again. But in that moment it felt right. Having discussed the merits of King Edwards, we promptly moved on to the more pressing matter of potato preparation. It dawned on us – well Claire really, I was checking my email – that potato preparation is the new boxing. Or anger management tool anyway. To paraphrase – without intention of belittling – Winston Churchill’s famous words, “Never in the field of the kitchen is so much owed by so many angry people to so few potatoes”. Here’s why:
1. Skin Them. Does anything beat the satisfaction of skinning a potato? Well, possibly a carrot. And buying a yacht. And eating biscuits. But skinning a potato is still good. How much skin can you peel off in one go? It’s like peeling an orange for real men. (With anger management issues).
2. Chop Them. Maybe it’s a quick release you need. Chopping or dicing will have you feeling relaxed in no time. Unless you lose a finger. In which case you’ll probably ruin your dinner.
3. Stab Them. If you are so angry that you are going to do something stupid, I recommend getting a knife out of the drawer. Now you can stab the little git and microwave it to the point of explosion. And once you’ve done that, you can do the same with your potato.
4. Roast Them. Maybe your anger is so instilled that it’s going to take a long time for you to calm down. Stick a potato in the oven and watching it slowly toast. I find having a window in the oven door helps with this. Otherwise you have to put your head in the oven. Not only is it hot, the potato always gets in the way.
5. Boil Them. More slow death treatment, only this time the pain is much more visible. The bubbling, the steaming, the stabbing with a fork to see if they are done. You’ll be mellowed out in twenty-five minutes with this method.
6. Mash Them. Whatever or whoever has annoyed you, just pretend you are mashing the life out of it/them. I find adding a little milk and butter helps the process of mashing Davina McCall to death much more pleasant.
7. Saute Them. In the words of Claire, “Cook them once, cook them twice. Twice the pain, twice the satisfaction. Mwhahahahaha!” I think I shall don the apron tonight.