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7 Reasons Not to Watch The Cricket World Cup

Posted on February 18, 2011 in Posts | 0 comments

It’s Friday the 18th of February, 2011, and after all the build-up and anticipation, the Cricket World Cup starts today.  As you can probably imagine, we’re very excited about that here at 7 Reasons and…well, you will have to imagine that, because we’re not.   Here are 7 Reasons not to watch the bloody thing.

1.  Australia. It’s not so much how good Australia are – they aren’t – it’s more whether anyone can be bothered to beat them. In 1999, South Africa should have beaten them in the semi-final, but Lance Klusener lost the plot and with it the match. And as for the final, well Pakistan didn’t turn up for it and were comprehensively thumped. In 2003, England should have beaten them in the final group game, but decided to let Andy Bichel have his one and only great day in an Aussie shirt and in doing so managed to lose from an impossible position. And as for the final, well India did turn up, but only to watch Sourav Ganguly toss the coin. After that they were comprehensively thumped. In 2007, well, only Australia turned up. They comprehensively thumped everyone. Which leads us to today. Or tomorrow. The 2011 World Cup promises to be the best yet. I reckon you could make strong arguments for six teams winning it. But that would be futile wouldn’t it? Because the script has long been written. Thumpings of the most comprehensive kind shall soon be scattered across the sub-continent. What’s the point in watching that?

2.  Length. Now we love our cricket, but this thing goes on for a month and a half. Just imagine what you could get done in a month and a half if you weren’t watching the cricket. You could fly around the world 40 times. You could cook everything in Delia’s Complete Cookery Course. Twice. You could solve the international sudoku problem. You could build a tree house, dismantle it and build it again. You could even write us a guest post. By not watching the cricket World Cup you could achieve so much. The World Cup is your oyster.

3.  Timing.  I’m in England and the Cricket World Cup is not.  It’s taking place far away, over the sea.  But I’ve looked at the fixture list and, apart from the odd game that starts at 4am, the times of the matches actually seem reasonable.  For the most part, they seem to be occurring during working hours.  During working hours!?  What’s the bloody point in that?  Where’s my epic struggle to stay awake during matches?  Where’s my opportunity to complain, bleary-eyed, the day after an important match, to all and sundry that the World Cup is going to kill me?  You know how to spot a fellow cricket aficionado while England are on tour?  You’ll hear them yawning and/or snoring and find them slumped on their desks/a bus seat/your left shoulder of an afternoon.  Now, throughout the tournament, confused England fans will spend their time mistakenly bothering the exhausted parents of new-born children to discuss the batting of Kevin Pietersen, the bowling of Graeme Swann or the point of Billy Bowden.  That’s no fun for anyone.  Especially for cricket fans who’ll end up learning all sorts of nonsense about nappies and breast-pumps that they’d really rather not hear about.  If  watching cricket isn’t a challenge, it’s just not as good.

4.  It’s Just Not Cricket.  Is the ball red?  No.  Are the kits tasteful and pleasing to the eye?  No.   Are some of the spectators grey, dusty and possibly suffering from rigor mortis?  No.  Can each match last for an entire working week?  No.  Are England any good at it?  No.  In that case, it isn’t cricket at all; it’s merely baseball for the civilised.

5.  National Anthems. I do love a good rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. But only if it’s at Twickenham or I’m in the shower. Only in these environments do people actually appear as if they want to sing. Anthems just don’t seem to work at cricket. I feel a bit awkward watching them. It’s a bit like chapel at school. No one really wants to be there. The problem is that when the anthems are over, half the players go back to the changing rooms to play cards while the rest hang around for ten minutes until the Umpires check to see if the light is okay. By which time the parts of you that were pumped up are now deflated. And that’s when Straussy loses his off-stump. So, unless we are sadists we should not be watching.

6.  Because You Support England.  And by “you support England”, what I mean is that I support England; the surest route to heartbreak and despair in all of international sport (outside of betting on Audley Harrison or being Jermaine Jenas).  I was pushing my luck by watching the Ashes, so watching the Cricket World Cup can only lead to disillusionment and despondency.  Much better to avoid it and stick to watching films about the war.  Not the second Anglo-Dutch War, obviously, that would be equally depressing.

the trophy pictured on a beach
The 2011 World Cup Cricket trophy pictured on Horsell Common.

7.  It’s Misleading.  It’s called the World Cup.  But I’ve seen the trophy and it doesn’t resemble a cup in the least.  It looks like a Martian tripod from H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds standing in the classical ballet stance, en pointe.  Can you drink tea from it?  No.  Can it perform a quick pas de bourrée before killing you with its heat-ray?  Undoubtedly.  So it’s not the Cricket World Cup at all.  It’s the Cricket World Martian Ballet Tripod.  If they’d called it that, more people would be watching.  And if they had a few of those at the stadia, I would watch.

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