Guest Post: 7 Reasons Japan Is Awesome
We’ve published posts telling us the USA is great, we’ve ignore posts telling us France is great and we already know Great Britain is great, so what’s missing? Ah, yes. Japan. Home of the most annoying game ever invented. I never owned a tamagotchi, but it felt like I had a vested interest in the company given the amount I knew about them at school. Girls you see. They liked to talk about them. And I didn’t have the heart to walk off. Thankfully, Japan have done some good stuff too. As Maria Rainier now explains.
Everyone knows Japan is crazy. The reasons why Japanese people are crazy is exactly why they’re awesome. Crazy awesome. I mean, who else has come up with female androids, steakhouses with Mexican cooks, Karate Kid, and Jackie Chan, right?
1. Cute. They are the only people on earth who can regularly make poop look cute. Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo does not qualify, Mr. Parker, Mr. Stone. He leaves unsanitary racing stripes wherever he goes and makes a terribly ugly cell phone accessory. Rhinestones look so much more kawaii on unko.
2. Humour. Their game shows are not only extravagant wastes of money that could probably fund a super smart cancer research team if only their scientists weren’t too busy riding elephant-sized bouncy balls and falling into mud pits, but more importantly, none of the humor is lost in translation. No matter who’s talking, there’s still a guy getting hit in the face with a giant foam log, and that’s funny.
3. Resolute. No one takes a punch like Japan, the only country that’s taken not one but two atomic bombs to the face and said, “Oh, so sorry. Would you like to send over a scientific team to study the damage and not help out the 250,000 women, babies, and old geezers who inexplicably survived your atrocity, and then try to justify it 60+ years later by saying we would have killed more of you had you not done it, even if your planned invasion wasn’t going to happen for two months?” Nah, it’s all good, ya’ll.
4. Sushi. They have convinced the West that eating raw fish eggs and octopus suckers is not only healthy and tasty, but sophisticated, especially if you know how to use a pair of chopsticks. They’re laughing their asses off right now, eating their steak and potatoes with a knife and fork.
5. They Will Rule The World One Day. While Naruto and animated school girl porn are distracting Westerners and turning them into malnourished, nerdy, basement-dwelling virgins, the Japanese are busy with their next invention: an invisible army of flying life-sized Gundam with nuclear capabilities. The Pokemon franchise was a total Japan takeover of the western world foiled by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in their groundbreaking investigative journalistic endeavor, “Chinpokomon.”
6. Vendor. They are the gods of vending machines: hot soup, hot coffee, and panties once worn by hot school girls for your pervy businessman pleasure.
7. Ninjas. And samurai. Mr. Miyagi. Ichi the Killer. Those guys.
Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education and performs research surrounding online degrees. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.