7 Reasons to get a Cross-Eyed Opossum
This, as I’m sure you already know, is Heidi the cross-eyed opossum, a resident of Leipzig Zoo. Now that you’ve seen her, you’ll want one of your own. And a cross-eyed opossum would make a great pet. Here’s why.
1. It’s The Cutest Thing In The World. Just look at the pictures. Have you ever seen a cuter animal? No, of course you haven’t. Even Bambi on ice nuzzling a baby hedgehog that’s wrapped in a cashmere blanket and sucking its thumb isn’t this cute.
2. Attract The Opposite Sex. Men: Get an opossum. Women like cute things. Women like things with personality. Women like quirky and interesting things. And now they’ve seen it, women like this opossum. I may be generalising here, but I can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t be charmed by a cross-eyed opossum.*
3. Attract The Opposite Sex***. Women: Get an opossum. I know that men are supposed to like cars and guns and things, and some of us do, but we aren’t immune to the charms of this opossum either, because it’s bloody amazing. No man is hard-hearted enough that he doesn’t find this opossum cute. Even Hitler would love it if he weren’t dead. If you’re looking to attract men, get this opossum. And some beer.
4. Ready-Made. Part of the allure of Heidi the cross-eyed opossum comes from the fact that she is cross-eyed. Once we’d seen her, my wife and I decided that – obviously – we wanted one. But our cat’s an only pet, and the introduction of a strabismal rival for our attention would probably be too much for our doddery old cat. So we decided to improve him. I stood to his left, my wife stood to his right, and we both called him repeatedly. Sadly, we were unable to cross his eyes. He merely moved his head rapidly from left to right between us for a minute before sighing and falling asleep. A cross-eyed opossum does not require a rigorous training regime to make it cute. It comes pre-cute.
5. Pedantry. Heidi the cross-eyed opossum, as you may have already spotted, is an opossum. Not a possum; that’s a different thing predominantly found in the Southern hemisphere. Nor is it related to the hippopossamus, which is a somewhat larger African variant which kills its prey by beguiling them with cuteness before sitting on them to death. This makes an opossum the ideal pet for pedants who can boundlessly amuse themselves by correcting people:
“Ah, cute possum”.
“I love your possum”.
“Your opossum is amazing”.
6. Love. You’ll always feel loved by your cross-eyed opossum. Because when you’re conventionally-eyed pet is sulking, it won’t look at you. But when your cross-eyed opossum is sulking, it will appear to be looking at you, even when it’s looking at something else. Food probably, or your shoe.****
7. The Name. Steve Jobs says that putting a vowel in front of the names of things is cool, so it must be, and the opossum has a seemingly superfluous vowel at the front. This makes the name opossum cool and increases the product…er…creature’s desirability. Now the opossum was named many centuries ago, but if I didn’t know that I’d sense that it was some sort of Apple marketing ploy. But then I see the hand of Jobs in everything. Anyway, the name is cool.
*If you are a woman (and let’s face it, some of us are) and you don’t like the cross-eyed opossum please let us know via the comments section.**
**And a mob will arrive at your door within hours and burn you at the stake, you stone-hearted harridan.
***Or the same sex. The cross-eyed opossum attracts everything.
****All pets do weird things to your shoes; never leave them unattended.
Want to see more pictures? Of course you do.