7 Reasons You Should Not Ride A Crocodile
Sometimes at 7 Reasons we’re bloody helpful. Today is one of those days. We know that crocodiles seem cool and it looks like it would be fun to ride one, but before you go out and try it for yourself, we want to warn you that it isn’t a good idea. Here are seven reasons why.
1. Posture. Crocodiles carry themselves very close to terra-firma. So much so that their bellies occasionally scrape the floor. People usually like to dangle their legs; but on a crocodile-back one would have to forego such a luxury. Only those who attend regular Yoga classes are going to last more than five minutes with their knees above their ears. Who would have thought doing the Downward-Facing Dog every Tuesday at 9am could prove so beneficial?
2. Danger. Riding a crocodile is dangerous as they’re amphibious. You’re not just at risk of getting your trousers wet. Crocodiles can hold their breath for up to two hours underwater, which is great for them, but you would drown in little over a minute which would be unfortunate for you, and inconvenient for the crocodile who could conceivably have to drag your waterlogged corpse around for weeks before it came loose. And the other crocodiles would probably poke fun.
3. Comfort. This may surprise the humble crocodile-boot attired 7 Reasons reader, but a crocodile was not built for comfort. With bony, plate-like scales and raised keels running down its powerful tail, you’d find more comfort racing along the Great Wall of China in a pantomime-horse costume with Anne Widdecombe playing your backside. And more fun, if you’re into that sort of thing.
4. Hunting. Don’t be thinking that your mount is going to stop trying to find food just because you’re on its back. If your croc sees a buffalo, you’d better hope you have your whistle with you, otherwise there is no way you are going to be able to referee the imminent battle for lunch. Not even Pierluigi Collina could keep a hungry crocodile from attempting to feast on a water buffalo. Even with a pair of fifth officials flanking the buffalo line.
5. Time Keeping. Crocodiles are renowned for their laissez-faire approach to time-keeping. Hence the famous expression, ‘See You Later Alligator, In A While Crocodile’. How long is a while? Ten minutes? Ten hours? Ten years? If I’m riding a crocodile, I want to know how long it is going to take until we reach our destination. If it’s ten years, I should probably bring spare pants.
6. Motion Sickness. Crocodiles are believed to have been around for over 200 million years, which is almost as long as Coronation Street. It stands to reason therefore that, if you want to know about riding a crocodile, you should consult someone that’s been knocking around for a long time. So we did, and Sir Elton John said, “Well, Crocodile rocking is something shocking”. So there you have it. If you want to avoid motion sickness, stick to riding more stable beasts. Sir Elton says so.
7. Accessories. Finding the right accessory for crocodile riding is more tricky than you’d imagine. Most people would probably think, “what goes with crocodile? I know, crocodile”, and then purchase something like a Hermes Birkin bag in the much sought-after saltwater-crocodile skin. But wait. That would be foolish, madam. Either the lovingly finished hide of the saltwater crocodile in an immaculately dyed colour will cause your crocodile to be jealous, or it will cause it to be nervous. And who knows where that could lead? It may see your handbag as some sort of rival and pounce or it may see it as a hideous portent of the future and you may experience an unexpected and unpleasant trip to the crocodile bathroom. Either way, accessorizing your crocodile is a potential minefield.
*We apologise for mentioning the Downward Facing Dog and Anne Widdecombe in the same post. And, indeed, on the same internet. We’re off for therapy now, see you tomorrow.