7 Reasons That Ex-Footballers Should Appear At News Events
One of the most bizarre aspects of the Raoul Moat story earlier this year was the arrival of Gazza during the police stand-off with Moat. Gazza turned up in a taxi with some beer, a fishing rod, some cans of lager and a chicken. This seemed like a one-off occurrence that would never be repeated. But then, last Sunday, the BBC reported that ex-footballers were turning up at the site where Chilean miners are currently trapped. They didn’t name any players, leading us to wonder if it was Gazza again, but that set us thinking. With their perceived self-obsession and sense of other-worldliness, surely there’s no news event that can’t be improved by the appearance of an ex-footballer? Oh, by the way, we know that Robbie Savage isn’t an former-footballer yet, but he does play like one.
1. Jamie Redknapp Appears At The Election Of David Cameron. “Dave, Dave, it’s me, Jamie. I brought you a Nintendo Wii and a lamb bhuna. That bird’s a bit fat isn’t she. Where’s my hand?”
2. Michel Platini Appears At The Liberation Of Paris. “General De Gaulle! General De Gaulle! It is I, Michel, of the Union des Associations Européennes de Football. I ‘ave brought you a bicycle and some cheese . Don’t you worry. I’ll make sure ze English pay for this abomination. Coming over here, liberating our France, who do they sink they are?”
3. Roy Keane Appears At The Trial Of Saddam Hussein. “Saddam, it’s me, Roy. I brought you some potcheen and absolutely no prawn sandwiches whatsoever. I grew a beard just like yours. Grrrr. I’m fierce, me. I never blink, look. Never. Grrrr.
4. Robbie Savage Appears At The Salem Witch Trials. “Hey witches, it’s me, Savvo. I brought you some hair putty and digestive biscuits. Don’t I look nice. I just came to let you know that I get all of my trainers for free. Hey. Hey! Put me down…Why are you tying me to a pole? I’ve got a Lamborghini.
5. Bryan Robson Appears At The JFK Assassination. “John, Jackie. It’s me, Bryan. I brought you some Brown Ale and an apple crumble. Ooh, that looks nasty. I had an injury like that in 1983, 1987, 1988 and 1991.”
6. Alan Hansen Appears At The Siege Of Troy. “Hey Trojans, it’s me, Alan. I brought you nothing. I did, however, find this large wooden horse outside the gates so I wheeled it in for you. I’ve been analysing your defence and it looks rock-solid at the back, both centrally and in the flanks. This siege is men against boys. Well done. Lawro would have been here with me but he’s got a cold and is a bit hoarse. He paid me to say that.
7. Peter Reid Appears During The Wall Street Crash. “Hey Bankers, it’s me, Reidy. I’ve brought you some Wagon Wheels and a motivational speech. Ahem. Though we find ourselves in adversity, things are never as bad as they seem and we can still turn this round before the end of trading…hey! You shouldn’t go out there, we’re on the eighth floor. Come back. Lads…lads…