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Guest Post: 7 Reasons Dolphins Are The Physical Embodiment Of Evil

Posted on August 7, 2010 in Guest Posts | 2 comments

The 7 Reasons sofa tour of the USA takes another break this week as we head back to Blighty. Desperately in need of tea (Jon) and coffee (Marc) we have parked up in Manchester. By pure coincidence this also happens to be the home of perennial 7 Reasons guest writer, Liz Gregory. Luckily we arrive whilst Liz is tackling dolphins. Not literally of course, just literarily. I’m sure you do it already, but here is a reminder that you can read Liz’s work more regularly over at Things To Do In Manchester.

evil dolphins 640x426 Guest Post: 7 Reasons Dolphins Are The Physical Embodiment Of EvilCute, friendly creatures, right? WRONG. Dolphins are plotting the destruction of the human race, and it’s only a matter of time before an episode of Dr Who documents this possibility. Here’s why:

1.  Too Intelligent By Half. Dolphin-supporters are keen to hold up cleverness as a reason to admire these marine menaces rather than fear them. But honestly, if you were that clever, would you be satisfied with jumping through hoops for treats? No, thought not.

2.  Horrid Sinister Curly Mouth. I can always tell when my husband has misbehaved or is telling fibs because his mouth goes curly at the edges. Dolphins’ mouths do this ALL THE TIME, because they are plotting ALL THE TIME.

3.  Sinister Clicking Noises. I accept that all creatures communicate in their own way, but why that communication system has to involve a series of unpleasant clicks and whirring is beyond me. Either talk properly, or be quiet.

4.  That Episode Of The Simpsons. “Night of the Dolphin” aired in 2000 to great rejoicing from the anti-dolphin community, because it showed the truth: interfering Lisa frees a load of dolphins from an aquatic park and they repay her faith by taking over the world. That’s because they want WORLD DOMINATION, and you can’t say you weren’t warned about this ten years ago.

5.  Too Keen To Befriend The Human Race. Aah, how lovely – dolphins are always quick to swim alongside humans in the sea, no doubt in a bid to bond and strike up cross-species friendships. No – they want to rob you, and have yet to work out that humans don’t carry money, phones or keys in swimwear. Not so clever now, eh?

6.  Too Many Friends In The Sea, Big Ones. The dolphins are undoubtedly the brains beyond the aquatic world domination plan, but obviously they need a bit of muscle behind them. And have you seen how big those whales are? They’ll be the ones blocking the doors when the dolphins storm the Houses of Parliament.

7.  Retractable Legs, Probably. You may scoff, and point out that we will always be safe from the snub-nosed ones because they are rubbish on land, what with having no legs and all. I have one thing to say to this: you didn’t think Daleks could go up stairs either, did you?

So remember: stay away from the water, lock all your doors, and NEVER wave a hoop at a dolphin – they have VERY long memories. Click, click, whir.

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2 Comments

  1. You are one sick person you know that?; you belong in a rubber room. My adive to you is to seek help from a qualified (non quack) psychologist because you need help!: I think perhaps if you not a psycho, you are jealous of the fact that these beautiful, wonderful creatures are worth more then you because your a loser and you have nothing better to do but pick on dolphins; did you know the military used them to help us win world war II? ; NO!; that’s your answer no doubt because you are a moron who doesn’t know your ass from a hole in the ground!, Get a life!

  2. 1. …would you be satisfied with jumping through hoops for treats? No, thought not.

    Yet most of us work like dogs, 40 hours per week until we’re too feeble. And we don’t do it for treats–we have to supply them for ourselves–we do it just to survive.

    2. Horrid Sinister Curly Mouth.

    Looks like the same smug smile found on Bush, Obama, and most politicians. Of course, it isn’t an expression, it’s just how their mouth is built. Hard to blame them for that.

    3. Sinister Clicking Noises. I accept that all creatures communicate in their own way, but why that communication system has to involve a series of unpleasant clicks and whirring is beyond me. Either talk properly, or be quiet.

    I can only imagine how they feel about sibilant, slushy, imprecise sounds we make.

    4. That Episode Of The Simpsons…WORLD DOMINATION, and you can’t say you weren’t warned about this ten years ago.

    Uh, yeah. They’re going to come right up on land and take over.

    5. Too Keen To Befriend The Human Race.

    Considering how vile, underhanded, and dangerous we are, I’d say you’re right on that one.

    6. Too Many Friends In The Sea, Big Ones.

    Is this why Orca’s eat them? Because they’re the bosses?

    7. Retractable Legs, Probably.

    Okay. And they magically disappear when examined by human scientists. Yeah. I get it.

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