Guest Post: 7 Reasons You’re Not Watching The IPL
Taking over the good ship sofa 7 Reasons today, is student and Muse fanatic Rob. A. Foot. (No we’re not sure what the ‘A’ stands for either). When Rob isn’t reading 7 Reasons or arguing about politics with an angry Scotsman on twitter, he can be found blogging away at There Is Music In The Breakdown. Oh, and judging by what’s coming next, sticking pins in his Lalit Modi voodoo doll.
1. Duration Of Matches. It just isn’t long enough. 120 balls per innings? That’s not even long enough to get yourself in before compiling a decent innings! It is also nowhere near enough time to get all of the batting side out. Before you know it, you’ve just batted yourself in, and then you’re being told that the innings is over? Ludicrous! The whole game is over and done with in just a few hours. How are you meant to while away a day that’s meant to be spent writing an essay/revising/doing work by listening to Jonathan Agnew and Geoffrey Boycott bicker about how someone’s relative could have hit the ball with a piece of fruit?
2. Vulgarity. First of all, the team strips. They are ridiculous. The Mumbai Indians strip looks like it has little cymbals lining the hems along the shoulders. The Chennai Super Kings’ kit looks the colour of a banana, and the Royal Bangalore Challengers kit looks like someone has dumped it in tomato sauce. Then there’s the music that plays at every boundary/wicket/ball/scratching of noses. And then there’s the cheerleaders. Why are they necessary? Isn’t there anything more exciting than seeing a highly rated batsman playing and missing at a ball which fizzes by his off-stump? Cheerleaders have nothing on that.
3. Money. Most of the foreign players are only there for the money. When you see someone getting auctioned off for several million dollars, you get the impression that it is just cattle being sold, not cricket players. Then you see that they are getting lots of money for the privilege of playing cricket in a hot country when their homelands are freezing cold. You begin to question their morals. Cricket players should have standards. They aren’t footballers.
4. The advertisements. If you have the misfortune to watch the cricket on YouTube, then you will quickly become familiar with the adverts. All two of them. The first, an advert for a hair styling cream, is innocuous enough, with only mildly annoying music accompanying it. The second really gets my goat. An advert for a phone company, with annoying music and a painfully annoying voiceover. Then you end up putting the computer on mute until the advert finishes. But then you do something else, and by the time that you go back to it, it’s that bloody advert again. The other alternative is to watch it on ITV. With that woman staring at you.
5. The Tactics. Or lack of them. All the captain of the fielding side needs to say is: “Right, Dale, bowl at the stumps early in the innings, then as wide as the umpire will allow later” and he’s done with it. Yes, he can move his fielders around to try and catch a batsman out, but then again, most of the catches made by fielders are just for miscued smashes which balloon high into the air before being smothered by the wicketkeeper or the long-on fielder. The batsman’s mentality, by the way, is just to smash every ball as far as he can.
6. The Umpires. The players aren’t the only people to see this slogfest as a way of going over the top; the umpires want in on the game too. As the batsmen play more extravagant shots, the umpires find more extravagant ways of signalling that these shots have been rewarded. Instead of just raising the finger (index) at a decent speed when someone is given out, it takes an age for it to be raised. Instead of standing still whilst waving the arm sedately when signalling for four runs, the umpires now appear to be helicopters about to take off. Then with the six signalling, instead of raising the hands, the umpires now appear to be attempting to break the high jump world record. Alright, I’ll admit it. All of the previous points have related to Billy Bowden.
7. You Don’t Like Cricket. I’m sure that this will cover the vast majority of people who haven’t been watching the IPL this season. Does it need explaining?