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7 Reasons to Have an Extra Hand

Posted on January 27, 2010 in Posts | 0 comments

1. Eating.  Eating would be better with an extra hand.  Young love-struck couples would be able to eat properly and hold hands at the same time.  More established couples would be able to eat properly and repel the advances of their chip-stealing spouse at the same time.  Old couples would be able to eat properly and take their pills at the same time.  Single people would be able to use all of the cutlery at once.

2.  Driving.  Driving would be safer if we all had an extra hand.  The sort of idiots who use their phone or apply make-up while driving would now be able to do it with their extra hand.  Obviously there will be people who would now believe that they can drive with one hand while applying make-up with the second and using their phone with the third.  Don’t fret too much about this though.  You will be able to use your extra hand to take down their registration number or to gesticulate at them.  I shall be using my extra hand to thump my nemesis – the sat-nav.  Jennifer Aniston will use her extra hand to touch her hair while driving, while Michael Buble will use his to point.

3.  Jugglers. If we all had an extra hand then those smug gits, jugglers, would look silly with their antiquated and inefficient action and the rest of us could taunt them by languidly tossing three things about at once.  Hopefully this would cause them to realise they are pointless idiots.

4.  Sex.  As an Englishman I can’t write about sex without resorting to euphemism.  Suffice it to say that with two extra hands couples could simultaneously mash the creamy anvil, startle the somnambulant vicar and unfetter the slobbery lobster.  The new tri-sexuality is going to be great!

5.  Economy.  If we had a third hand the global recession would end*.  The clothing industry would be revitalised by having to manufacture extra sleeves and gloves as would agriculture, as we would need a third more sheep, silk and cotton.  There would be a boom in making your own clothes as knitting would become much easier and quicker, thus optimising the efficiency of your grandma.  It would also require the manufacture of 33.3% more knitting needles.  The decimal system would also be replaced as we would find it simpler to calculate things in fifteens.  The new quindecimal system would require the manufacture of lots of new signs and equipment.  All of this extra manufacturing would cause a global economic boom.  The quindecimal system would also cause 7 Reasons to become 10.5 Reasons, which would make two grown men cry.

6.  Italians.  Italians gesticulate a lot while they talk and are effortlessly cool.  With an extra hand they will be able to gesticulate, smoke, drink, look cool, ride a Vespa and eat an ice cream at the same time.  They do that now, of course, they’ll just be better at it.

7.  Jewellery.  With an extra hand, women will be able to wear more rings and bracelets.  This will cause them to buy a lot more of them too, leading to an increase in the number of “white lies” told to husbands.  Men will wear a second watch with built-in functions other than time-telling:  A small television, a compass, a torch, a screwdriver and an extinguisher for their wife’s pants will all be common features.

*Strangely, there is a total lack of research or data available to support this claim.

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